FADE IN:
EXT. TEXAS - 1858

CHAINED SLAVES are forced to walk
barefoot through at least THREE
DIFFERENT SEASONAL CHANGES by
EVIL SLAVE TRADERS.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ approaches in his
TOOTHMOBILE.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Good evening! I am a German dentist
turned bounty hunter and I wish to
purchase Jamie Foxx.

JAMES REMAR
No way hosay.
(pause)

[left][/left]Hey wait a minute, I'm James Remar?
Oh shit! That means ...
(is fucking shot dead)
CHRISTOPH shoots all the SLAVE
TRADERS and FOUR GALLONS OF
BLOOD spurt onto the screen, followed
by SIX MORE GALLONS of BLOOD.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(unchains JAMIE)
Greetings! I am looking to collect the
bounty for the Honky-Cracker Brothers
and you know what they look like, so
let's team up. Also I will help you rescue
your wife Kerry Washington because
there needs to be at least one good
white person in this movie.
JAMIE FOXX
But I don't know anything about bounty
hunting!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Then allow me to teach you! Just think
of me as your own personal Obi-Wan.
But first you must visit the wardrobe
department and choose your costume!
JAMIE, given the freedom to dress
himself, chooses to dress up as AUSTIN
POWERS.
JAMIE FOXX
This blue crushed velvet suit just feels
right, baby, yeah

EXT. DON JOHNSON'S PLANTATION
(IN THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH)
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH ride up and are
greeted by COLONEL SANDERS. Whoa,
wait, that's DON JOHNSON? Holy shit.
DON JOHNSON
Pardon me while I use the N-word for
several minutes in a comical fashion.
This should make up for all those times
I couldn't say it around Philip Michael
Thomas.

JAMIE wanders off and finds HONKY-
CRACKER BROTHER M.C. GAINEY, who
is about to whip THE BLACK off of a
HELPLESS SLAVE.
M.C. GAINEY
Jamie? Is that you? What the Bleep are
you wearing?
JAMIE FOXX
I am here to exact revenge on you for
savagely whipping my wife in an
oversaturated flashback.
M.C. GAINEY
But she called me "lard ass"! That really
hurt my feelings!
JAMIE FOXX
Then I hope this bullet makes you feel
better!
JAMIE kills GAINEY, then WHIPS THE
FUCKING Bleep out of GAINEY'S
BROTHER and shoots him IN THE
FOREHEAD, THE SPLEEN, THE HEART,
BOTH KIDNEYS, and then 14 MORE
TIMES IN THE FOREHEAD.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Whoawhoawhoa, Jamie! I leave you
alone for five minutes and you start
killing evil slave owners WITHOUT ME?!
I am seriously starting to regret
unchaining you right now!
JAMIE FOXX
Look! The last Honky-Cracker Brother is
getting away through that cotton field!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Ooooo! Cotton!
CHRISTOPH shoots GAINEY'S OTHER
BROTHER and 17 GALLONS OF RED
BLOOD spurt all over the WHITE
COTTON

DON JOHNSON
What in the Jesus Bleep is going on
here?!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Sir, I have a warrant that says we can
totally kill the shit out of these guys.
DON JOHNSON
But Jamie whipped that one guy a new
asshole first!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Uh, that's in the warrant, too. Trust me,
it's all legal.
DON JOHNSON
Well, I guess I could just shoot you both
dead and no one would be the wiser ...
or let you go and try to kill you later.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I vote for that second one.
So does DON, and later that night, he
and his KLANSMEN argue about their
cheap knockoff SCARECROW MASKS
before surrounding THE TOOTHMOBILE.
DON JOHNSON
Wait a second, I saw Roots. I'm pretty
sure the KKK didn't show up until
AFTER Reconstruction

KLANSMAN JONAH HILL
(appearing)
Maybe Quentin Tarantino was counting
on his audience being too stupid to
know that in favor of seeing comical
KKK members being brutally killed.
(collects paycheck)
(vanishes)
THE TOOTHMOBILE has a CAVITY filled
with DYNAMITE and it EXPLODES! Lots
of KKK members are KILLED, including
DON. His RED BLOOD spurts all over his
WHITE HORSE. Are you noticing a
theme here?
JAMIE FOXX
So, Christoph, I have fulfilled my end of
the bargain. Time to go rescue my wife!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Or we could do some more bounty
hunting throughout the winter and go
rescue her when it's summertime.
JAMIE FOXX
You're right. Even though Kerry's been
a slave her entire life and is probably
being raped or tortured at this very
moment, I'm sure she can hold out until
next spring.
THIS HAPPENS.
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH kill a bunch of
WANTED CRIMINALS, because getting
the CLEMENCY PAYS ACHIEVEMENT is
just too much bother

Also JAMIE brutally murders FROSTY
THE SNOWMAN, who is WHITE, and
therefore RACIST.
CHRISTOPH eventually finds out that
SLAVE OWNER LEONARDO DICAPRIO
owns JAMIE's wife KERRY
WASHINGTON.
JAMIE FOXX
OK, now let's ride onto Leo's plantation
violently, kill everybody violently, and
rescue Kerry! Violently!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh. Then we will have a bounty
on our heads. We must acquire Kerry
legally.
JAMIE FOXX
Well, we've made a shitload of money
bounty hunting, let's just approach
Leo's lawyer and buy her!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh. Then the story would be over
in under two hours and without a
violently over-the-top climax, which is
unheard of for a Tarantino epic. No, we
must pretend as though we want to buy
one of Leo's Mandingo fighters first,
then offhandedly buy Kerry and skip
town with her.
JAMIE FOXX
But what happens when Leo finds out
we were just dicking him around? Won't
he get really angry and come after us
like Don did?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Not to worry, Jamie. My plan will go
completely to shit long before that
happens.
JAMIE FOXX
OK then. Let's shake on it.
(extends hand for a shake)
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(pulling a gun)
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Back the Bleep
off, Jamie! YOU MUST NEVER ask to
shake my hand! Not EVER! I've got
Howie Mandel syndrome big time, and
so I am VERY sensitive about shaking
hands! I'll let you live this time, but I
vow to kill the very next man who tries
to shake my hand!

INT. MANDINGOS 'R' US -
MISSISSIPPI (IN THE DEEPEST PART
OF THE DEEP FUCKING SOUTH)
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH meet LEONARDO
DICAPRIO, who's wearing GEORGE
WASHINGTON'S TEETH for some reason.
LEO has a front row seat to a brutal
MMA FIGHT, aka MANDINGO FIGHTING.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
I do declare, gentlemen. I have always
depended on the kindness of strangers.
Please, allow me to introduce you to my
bodyguard ... James Remar?
JAMES REMAR
The hell? I'm playing another character?
COOL! I'm sure Tarantino brought me
back for a reason and not just to kill me
off twice in the same movie!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Uh, yeah, sure he did, James. So,
Christoph, I hear you are interested in
buying one of my Mandingo fighters ...
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(wagging finger)
Uh-uh-uh, we wouldn't want things to
progress too quickly now, would we?
Let's discuss this deal back at your
Candyland plantation.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO
But it's pretty far away. Maybe we can
just cut to the next scene and be there
already?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
No. It seems the editor doesn't know
the meaning of "pacing" and opted to
show people riding around on horses for
half an hour instead.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Sally Menke, you are missed.
On the way to CANDYLAND they
encounter one of LEO'S MANDINGO
FIGHTERS, who was caught trying to
run away.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
(reading from How to Get an Oscar
Nomination for Dummies ...)
It says here I need to be a real bastard
and do something extremely evil and
disturbing to make you love to hate me.
Having this poor helpless Mandingo
slave ripped apart by wild dogs should
do the trick!
THE MANDINGO is ripped THE Bleep
APART by RACIST DOGS. LEO makes
SWEET EYE-CONTACT LOVE with JAMIE
as it happens.
EXT. LEO'S CANDYLAND
PLANTATION
JAMIE, CHRISTOPH, and LEO arrive and
are greeted by SAMUEL L.
MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON, who is at
least 200 YEARS OLD.

SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
N-word N-word N-word N-word
motherfucking N-word N-word N-word
Jamie you N-word N-word I hate you you
stupid no good N-word N-word N-word
N-word.
QUENTIN TARANTINO
Sam, I think you left out a couple of N-
words there.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Really? You sure that's not too many?
QUENTIN TARANTINO
There can never be too many N-words
in my movies, Sam. I will just have to
settle for 109.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Maybe you'll get to use more N-words in
your next film?
QUENTIN TARANTINO
(wistfully)
One can only hope.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Soooooo, I hear you gentlemen have a
German-speaking slave here named
Kerry. Where is she?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
I have locked her in that metal box over
there where the heat is cooking her
alive. I'm evil, you see. I have traded in
my dignity and humanity for a life of
comfort and second-in-command
status.
JAMIE FOXX
So you're like a black Dick Cheney.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
No, Dick Cheney is like a white me.
JAMIE witnesses his wife KERRY
WASHINGTON being pulled out of THE
HOT BOX and gets so angry that he is
about to GUN EVERYBODY THE Bleep
DOWN. But he DOESN'T.
JAMIE FOXX
I will not let my inner conflict get the
best of me and will instead suffer in
silence.
(pause)
Strange how my acting is at its best
when I have no lines.

CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Hey, isn't it funny how I'm a dentist and
we're at Candyland, which is owned by
a guy with really bad teeth? Did
anybody else catch that?
(pause)
No? Just me? OK then.
INT. LEO'S HOUSE
KERRY is brought to CHRISTOPH's room
and is let in on THE PLAN.
JAMIE FOXX
Kerry, we're here to rescue you, but our
entire plan hinges on you pretending
not to know me. Can you do that?
KERRY WASHINGTON
Sure!

At DINNER, KERRY practically
ANNOUNCES TO THE WHOLE FUCKING
WORLD that she KNOWS and LOVES
JAMIE, but only SAMUEL sees it.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON
Mothafuckas! You N-words are trying to
pull a fast one on my N-word Leo!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Guards! Seize them!
JAMIE and CHRISTOPH are captured.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
HA HA! YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD
TRICK THE KING OF THE WORLD! BUT
YOU TWO ASSHOLES HAVE ANOTHER
THING COMING!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Why are you yelling your lines all of a
sudden?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
IT'S CALLED ACTING, CHRISTOPH.
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? IT'S KIND OF
MY THING ...
(realizing)
Holy shit, why is my hand bleeding? Is
my blood trying to escape my body in
protest of my blatant Oscar baiting?
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
I think you cut your hand on some
glass. Like for real.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Are you sure? You'd think Tarantino
could have communicated that to the
audience a little better with a close-up.
JAMIE FOXX
Maybe if you were a chick and it was
your foot you cut.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Speaking of which, aside from the
jarring musical choices, nearly all of
Tarantino's signature trademarks are
missing from this film.
JAMIE FOXX
You're right. We're two hours in and
Tarantino hasn't bukkaked the audience
with a single monologue that drones on
for 10 minutes ...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
(pulling out a human skull)
Time for me to explain why black
people are inferior to white people
because of some pseudoscience bullshit
about skull dimples that only morons
would believe.

JAMIE FOXX
Damn. So close.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Now, I could just kill you and Christoph
and steal your money ... or legally sell
Kerry to you for 12,000 bucks.
THIS HAPPENS.
The AUDIENCE is treated to some real
edge-of-your-seat RECEIPT MAKING.
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Hmm. I guess we managed to avoid a
gratuitously violent climax after all.
Time for Jamie, Kerry, and I to be going
now-
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Wait, Christoph! In order for this deal to
be fully legal, you must ... jump rope
with me!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
What? That's an odd request, but OK.
(jumps rope with LEO)
Now we'll be getting out of here-
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Not so fast! For the deal to be official,
you must also ... give me a root canal!
And I don't have insurance, so you must
do it pro bono!

CHRISTOPH WALTZ
Grrr, OK. But you're pushing it,
DiCaprio!
(gives LEO a root canal)
Now we're leaving ...
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Wait! There is one very last thing you
must do before you can go, Christoph! I
insist that you ... SHAKE MY HAND!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
(pause)
Oh. Now I pretty much have to kill you.
CHRISTOPH shoots LEO. SAMUEL
mourns, HILARIOUSLY.
JAMIE FOXX
The Bleep, Christoph?! All you had to do
was shake his damn hand and we were
out of here!
CHRISTOPH WALTZ
But I had to do it, Jamie! We Germans
cannot tolerate letting a power-hungry
dictator like that oppress, torture, and
murder a defenseless minority! Well, at
least not for another 80 years or so!
JAMES REMAR shoots CHRISTOPH with
a ROCKET LAUNCHER, killing him.
JAMIE FOXX
Aw hell naw!
(shoots JAMES)
JAMES REMAR
Goddammit.
(dies, again)
JAMIE SHOOTS THE LIVING Bleep out of
EVERYTHING. A BILLION GALLONS of
RED BLOOD spurt all over the WHITE
WALLS. We're talking FULL-ON
GALLAGHER here.

!!!

This is so comic... people would only appreciate it if they've seen the movie.

Nice write up (Please, can you clean up on the double/triple/quadruple paragraph pasting?? Tanx).

By the way, I love the movie, classic Tarantino

Thanks. I had tried correcting the errors earlier but the 'modify' icon was missing. I had reported it to the moderator and I guess that will explain its return. I love the movie and couldn't resist pasting this when I saw it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Hahahaha funny as hell. Def gonna share this!

Very very good with dialogues,lady winona. Quite good! Do you write scripts or did you just do this for kicks? I'm curious.

*Owen*:
Very very good with dialogues,lady winona. Quite good! Do you write scripts or did you just do this for kicks? I'm curious.

unfortunately, I can't take the credit. Culled it from cracked.com

I really don't knw y the moderators are hiding the rest of the story. What am I doing wrong? It's just a harmleSs article. Anyways, anyone who wants to read the full article can go to this link
www.cracked.com/article_20279_if-django-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html

Lady Winona: I really don't knw y the moderators are hiding the rest of the story. What am I doing wrong? It's just a harmleSs article. Anyways, anyone who wants to read the full article can go to this link

You're not doing anything wrong. Remember this site still censors very common words in this day and age. We're way past all that blushing thing they might think is going on lol.