I have heard people say that love is selfish. But does it have to be?

They say that the reason someone wants the other person is for what they can get from that person and it is just not enough to simply love.

So, in some cases, people only seek those who can satisfy certain needs of theirs and there is nothing wrong with that. But what happens when the need can not be met anymore due to incapacitation, a sickness, or a crumbling economy.

Would it make sense to drop the thoughts of entitlement and have it in mind from the start that we could really do with less from our spouses.


I want us to use this thread to discuss instances where a couple can actually not ask for too much from each other and still have a successful union.

A case study-

The man cannot cook. So, he married a woman who can with the hope that she would be able to feed him and his children with delicious meals . She agrees to this. After some time in the marriage, and after successfully discharging this duty for a while she gets a promotion at work. This now keeps her too busy to do as she used to. Leaving her job is not an option as she believes so much in hardwork and financial independence.

Now, breaking the marriage up is not a considered option at this time as a lot of energy and perseverance have been put in the marriage and Children involved.

If the man would learn to do the cooking or allow a maid do the cooking or allow the family get their food from restaurants at those times that the wife is unable, without harbouring ill-feelings about it, the marriage can go on smoothly with no one hurt.

But if he keeps on with the 'You must do as I say, the opposite may happen.

Such thoughts as this run in my head. I wonder how much practical they are.

deols: brb

First to comment

Another example.

One of the things that got her into the union was how much he was able to spend on her. She was used to the big life anyway. He met her as a high maintenance lady.

He did not allow her to work because he could provide for her needs.

But he lost in a big investment. Now, she can't have all she used to and just cannot deal with that.

How practicable is it that she stays on and cuts her spendings and just accepts the inadequacy and lives with him like that.

Looks impracticable to me but looks like breaking the marriage isn't a good option. How does she handle this?

First example, this happens all the time, wife doesn't have time to cook the 3 course meal, husband is already used to eating sumptuous meal and also thinks it's wife's duty alone to do the cooking, it sounds simple but it leads to so many other problems.

It's best things like this are discussed before marriage, how flexible is the husband but in this case they are married, the question now is who compromises, wife or husband. Am tempted to say husband should just hire a cook, but wife knew before she got the promotion her husband wants only her cooking.

Both should compromise, hire a cook, so the cook do all the pre-cooking preparation I.e washing, cutting e.t.c and the wife does the actual cooking (consume less time), and when the wife is so busy and can't cook, the cook should do the cooking.

In some cases the woman just has to find a way to do the cooking, some men don't eat food outside, they only eat their mum, sister and wife's food.
It's not enough reason to get a divorce.

If spouses demand much from each other, it should be realistic and flexible. It should not be one party doing the demanding the other doing the giving.

The first step to a blissful and prosperous union is to understand the purpose and essence of marriage. Marriage is not to turn any member of the union to a slave but for helping each other. To be an help-meet to each other.

Understanding this straightforward and simple meaning will go a lot in making a home worthy of emulation. Help-meet means to help each other accomplish a set goal in a mutual arrangement.

The lady is more skillful in some areas than the guy and vice-versa. The two parties come together to apply their resourcefulness for the betterment of the home.

When both spouses are flexible,they ll hardly disagree . If only couples can do what suits them and forget the way others did it in the past, marriage ll definitely be a walk in the park . It's hard when young couples try to live by the book,where wife cooks thrice a day,husband must foot the bill and so on.....

It's really fun if couples can keep the marriage the way they were while dating.Eat out when you can,cook when you can, club when you can.Rigid expectations can be pretty frustrating,its easier to live without rules.just move with the flow.........

There is no way any human relationship CANNOT be symbiotic, not even in marriage. Right from birth,childhood,everything, all we do as humans is for mutual benefits. Now, the "benefit" is relative and not quantified in all situation.

When I give alms, the smiles of happiness I get back,plus the believe that one day,I or one of mine in need might be helped by someone else is my "benefit" - silly as it may sound.

I put my kids through school cos I expect them to come out with good grades, get a good job,live good lives,give me grand kids and make me happy in old age.

I take good care of my husband so he can concentrate and make enough money for the family.

Soooo,long story short, giving and receiving is perfectly normal and cannot be eliminated lai lai. It only becomes unhealthy when its parasitic- one person giving,the other receiving.

Lots of people have said flexibility but I would rather say maturity. Marriage is for matured people who believe things can change and no condition is ever permanent. When things change, mature people will adapt to the change more quickly.

Mature people will also focus less on self but rather more on the common good. Sometimes, one person has to compromise for the common good of the family. It does not make that person weak or stupid, in fact it makes that person even stronger in my opinion.

For the first example and may be its because I am not forcy about food, but can't the wife cook for the week and then put it in a fridge or freezer? If the husband must eat fresh food, cant he let someone else cook it. Seriously is it not just food? Or there is a law that says a woman must cook everyday? I see the wife's promotion as something that is for the common good of the family and the husband should understand that.

Now for the guy that married high maintenance wife. hehehe. Well if the wife is mature and loves the husband, no reason why she cannot cut her coat according to her cloth. She will and must learn how to deal with it unless of cos she wants the husband to start stealing or borrowing to maintain her diva lifestyle. Again, nothing stops her from working as well. Life is full of ups and downs and the situation might just be temporary.

byvan: When both spouses are flexible,they ll hardly disagree . If only couples can do what suits them and forget the way others did it in the past, marriage ll definitely be a walk in the park . It's hard when young couples try to live by the book,where wife cooks thrice a day,husband must foot the bill and so on.....

It's really fun if couples can keep the marriage the way they were while dating.Eat out when you can,cook when you can, club when you can.Rigid expectations can be pretty frustrating,its easier to live without rules.just move with the flow.........

i agree with you. Marriage should not be on rules. Don't marry a man that swears that he will never enter the kitchen or eat out when he has a wife or a woman that says she will never pay the kids school fee because she has a husband.

Good topic for discussion.

Many marriages wouldn't hv hit d rock had those involved used common sense. Our society is a bigger reflection of both who we r individually and as a family. We r too self centered and rigid.
An example is a couple that just came back from work and hubby will retire leaving d wife to toil in d kitchen or a working wife that decided her money is for her pple while only d husband provides for her immediate family.
We follow some rigid cultural practices that does not comform to today's world and xpect a blissful marriage.

It was in solomom's thread that somebody asked whether I can do plumbing work. The essence of doing all those thing is just to distress ur other half and be less dependent.
Marriage is a union for the matured minded. I've seen a man who normally wakes up to pound yam b4 going to work in d morning cos wifey is busy preparing d children to school b4 she goes to work. He loves the thing die.Since he want poundo, he wakes up earlier and do his thing. What's the big deal. But most of us won't do that cos they feel its beneath them. That is what is called marriage. I've not washed hubby's clothes up to 6 times since we got married.cooking is a hubby else......but I can't turn semo.
At time like Byvan said we all eat out a whole day. I can pay, he can pay. shikena.

In my house for eg, of all the people hubby worry least about, its me. Simple bc I made it to be so.
Marriage entails practicality and always calling black black.
Another major problem that stiffles marriage is too much proximity. We all need fresh air at times. Let there be enuf space for everybody,s me time.

Waoh! C epistle.
It is well.

Deols, r u getting married soon?
(My gele is still in my box o! ).

Today, I think people overthink this idea of marriage too much, sometimes it sounds like heading to battle. Marriage is a coupling of friends, not enemies and not meant for people that can barely tolerate each other. Maybe I am just an oldfashioned romantic but I believe in love and I believe it covers up a lot of things.

I will talk about your cooking example since I can provide first hand account - look at a marriage as "what can/does he/she do?" Not "what does he/she not do?"

My husband cannot cook save for basic boil rice, egg but he can eat cereal+milk, bread+ stew, sausage rolls, pancakes, sandwich, cookies+hot chocolate, etc as a meal anytime of the day. He has no rules around "I must eat so and so at this time." Our kids have been brought up that way too. I cook or we go to a restaurant, buy takeout, fry eggs, etc even for dinner. As long as no one is starving. There is always food in the house in different forms, doesn't have to be poundo + bushmeat. Some men are simply not deep into this food thingy

Now, this person that cannot cook, cannot stand dirt/untidiness which means if anybody is wasting time with cleaning, he will happily do it himself without asking anybody. If you don't clear up the laundry hamper quickly enough, he will put all the clothes in the washer himself, dry them and damn your whining about mixing up colors. He will clear the kitchen sink faster than you can say " it is so and o child's turn to do it." He helps in the kitchen with the most basic tasks and I could go on and on.

He cannot wash a car to my satisfaction, the reason why I do all the car washing myself at the self serve car wash. Which means I wear jeans and rubber boots and wash by myself.

Marriage is work but it is not labor, take your time to know who complements you. Right now, we have no stew in the house because we ran out. So tonight, we might go out for dinner or just eat something light at home tonight, no biggie.

Me that cannot guarantee I will have "real food" at all times, when it is time for him to eat, unless I'm asleep or out of the house, I dish his food myself, set the table for him,invite him to eat and stay with him till he is done. I treat him like a king and he treats me like a queen, works for us.

I could write more but have to go now. Remember -first things first, marry your friend.

People should not marry one another based on material things and tangibles. By doing so, you are indirectly setting yourself up for failure. Just because someone is rich one day, doesn't mean they will always be rich. We can't take the things God gives to us for granted.

This is why marrying someone strictly for their heart is important.

In addition, marriage no be by force...

It may not even be your destiny

pickabeau1: In addition, marriage no be by force...

It may not even be your destiny

Hmm that's true. But a lot of people would love to find their ideal companion. In this world it is not easy though.

@OP, I believe a proper understanding off what the dynamic of marriage should be would lead to a better phrasing of your poser thus;

"What if spouses sacrifice more for each other"

TV

pickabeau1:
It may not even be your destiny

Actually, I don't believe it is. Why would it not be?

TV

A man who wants delicious meals doesnt necessarily have to marry before he can get those.

So i doubt most men would marry solely because they are looking for good food which is available anywhere.

His popping the question to someone implies he has considered the effort worthwhile and is willing to subject himself to the inconvenience of giving up bachelorhood for the lady.


So, cooking is just one of many things thats would inconvenience the couple as a whole, but some things just have to be done to stave off hunger, and cooking is one of them.

Of course having a maid is an option, so is eating out, but these might not always be convenient or even affordable.

Then again, there are different types of marriage, if the thought of sharing personal space is unacceptable, then having a long distance union could also be looked into i suppose. At least that way each party gets to maintain some degree of independence.

Just my two cents, God is the most important part of a union.

And no, marriage is not necessarily a must for everyone, true.

Double post. Network dealing with me here badly. Tug of war making simple comment. Mtn God is watching you in 5D.

MMotimo: Today, I think people overthink this idea of marriage tooibuch, sometimes it sounds like heading to battle. Marriage is a coupling of friends, not enemies and not meant for people that can barely tolerate each other. Maybe I am just an oldfashioned romantic but I believe in love and I believe it covers up a lot of things.

I will talk about your cooking example since I can provide first hand account - look at a marriage as "what can/does he/she do?" Not "what does he/she not do?"

My husband cannot cook save for basic boil rice, egg but he can eat cereal+milk, bread+ stew, sausage rolls, pancakes, sandwich, cookies+hot chocolate, etc as a meal anytime of the day. He has no rules around "I must eat so and so at this time." Our kids have been brought up that way too. I cook or we go to a restaurant, buy takeout, fry eggs, etc even for dinner. As long as no one is starving. There is always food in the house in different forms, doesn't have to be poundo + bushmeat. Some men are simply not deep into this food thingy

Now, this person that cannot cook, cannot stand dirt/untidiness which means if anybody is wasting time with cleaning, he will happily do it himself without asking anybody. If you don't clear up the laundry hamper quickly enough, he will put all the clothes in the washer himself, dry them and damn your whining about mixing up colors. He will clear the kitchen sink faster than you can say " it is so and o child's turn to do it." He helps in the kitchen with the most basic tasks and I could go on and on.

He cannot wash a car to my satisfaction, the reason why I do all the car washing myself at the self serve car wash. Which means I wear jeans and rubber boots and wash by myself.

Marriage is work but it is not labor, take your time to know who compliments you.

Me that cannot guarantee I will have "real food" at all times, when it is time for him to eat, unless I'm asleep or out of the house, I dish his food myself, set the table for him,invite him to eat and stay with him till he is done. I treat him like a king and he treats me like a queen, works for us.

You couldn't have said it better. I used to wonder where all these people shouting food is the way to a man's heart get their idea from. Maybe in the past but as of now who is cooking should be the least of things causing disagreements.

Most guys are not really fixed on food. Me as an example don't have any fav. food or fixation that you must cook this or that. I just eat anything i feel is right and at anytime it is available. I understand the op's use of the example to pass her message across but food should be the last thing causing marital problems Abeg.

@topic. I guess going into a marriage with the mindset of "what would i offer" not "what i tend to get" or "what i am entitled to" also helps. If everyone has this mindset to compromise would be much easier because you would always be pro -relationship and not the selfish type. I just believe two people who are getting married should have atleast covered most areas and understand the essence of compromise.

I agree with OP. People expect too much from their partner like they married Superman or superwoman

First remember the person you married is human too just like yourself before giving him/her inhuman request

Its in every aspect. A man expect he marries a woman and now he should be getting fresh soup every meal, hot steaming pounnded yam daily, give birth to kids clean after them diligently, wake up every night to rock baby to sleep everytime, house cleaned every hour, mindblowing sex every 12hours, Wife kneeling to serve food wash cloth daily and never be tired for once

Women marries and expect all her financial needs to be met, She can go blow money anyhow and expect to be replenished daily, She lives in a mansion, drives brand new cars uses latest gadget and dont care to know how they are funded. Comes to sex, the man should light candle, soak in bath tub, do 2hrs 4play twice a day and now have the sex they talk about in Mills and Boons

Thats why I think when roles and responsibilities are shared regardless of gender, then it makes things easier for both but when you want to draw lines between Man and woman duties then it gets tough

I cant be providing for everything my wife needs 100% and not expect 100% from her responsibilities.

since she doesnt care if I am tired from my daily hustle why should I care if she is tired also from the housekeeping and baby care

I heard of one couple where the wife insists that in their own place. A man is supposed to take care of everything financial and provision in the house while the woman does housekeeping and keeps her money to herself

Lately she was now complaining how inconsiderate her husband is by not helping with housework, demands hot freshly made soup, never helping with the baby etc,

I am not fixated about food, Anytime my wife asks what do you want to eat, My favourite answer is "Anything". I dont care as long as my belle is filled. Also for me to complain about food must mean you are serving me burnt stones literarily.

dayokanu: I agree with OP. People expect too much from their partner like they married Superman or superwoman

First remember the person you married is human too just like yourself before giving him/her inhuman request

Its in every aspect. A man expect he marries a woman and now he should be getting fresh soup every meal, hot steaming pounnded yam daily, give birth to kids clean after them diligently, wake up every night to rock baby to sleep everytime, house cleaned every hour, mindblowing sex every 12hours, Wife kneeling to serve food wash cloth daily and never be tired for once

Women marries and expect all her financial needs to be met, She can go blow money anyhow and expect to be replenished daily, She lives in a mansion, drives brand new cars uses latest gadget and dont care to know how they are funded. Comes to sex, the man should light candle, soak in bath tub, do 2hrs 4play twice a day and now have the sex they talk about in Mills and Boons

Thats why I think when roles and responsibilities are shared regardless of gender, then it makes things easier for both but when you want to draw lines between Man and woman duties then it gets tough

I cant be providing for everything my wife needs 100% and not expect 100% from her responsibilities.

since she doesnt care if I am tired from my daily hustle why should I care if she is tired also from the housekeeping and baby care

Nicely said

I dont think its necessarily a bad thing for people to have preferences in food, as long as you're sure of its safety.

For example, you'd be hard pressed to find an italian who doesnt like pasta or pizza, a german who doesnt like beer and sauerkraut, a brit who doesnt prefer curry or fish and chips, or an american who doesnt like ice cream.

tpia@:
I dont think its necessarily a bad thing for people to have preferences in food, as long as you're sure of its safety.

For example, you'd be hard pressed to find an italian who doesnt like pasta or pizza, a german who doesnt like beer and sauerkraut, a brit who doesnt prefer curry or fish and chips, or an american who doesnt like ice cream.

I agree with you

but you shouldnt make it a daily event.

E.g preparing Gbegiri or fresh soup takes time If you now demand your wife prepares fresh soup everyday when she has her own daily job to attend to. Even if she doesnt have a job boiling meat, grinding pepper and cooking big time shouldnt be a daily thing

4-5 days a week you can make do with frozen food warmed while over the weekend eat your like-mama home cooked meal

The truth is that as the times go, the definition of ideal companion gets more varied n wide

it could be a cat, another man or woman, multiple women or men as the case may be,

Fulaman198:

Hmm that's true. But a lot of people would love to find their ideal companion. In this world it is not easy though.

TV01:

Actually, I don't believe it is. Why would it not be?

TV

I believe marriage is not for everyone...do you think otherwise...

pickabeau1: The truth is that as the times go, the definition of ideal companion gets more varied n wide

it could be a cat, another man or woman, multiple women or men as the case may be,

For me, I just want a woman who is virgin with a kind pure heart. I would love this woman with all my heart and protect her with my life.

The typical Naija marriage is exhausting.i have a friend whose husband ll not touch food that is not fresh from fire.He comes home as late as 1.am,thats when she starts preparing his food,he doesn't eat anything preserved like dry pepper or dry fish, he eats everything fresh.He kept up his part of whatever deal they made by making sure she doesn't lack cash.

Living by rules is not living at all.

true @ all the comments.

i think most people do make allowances for the food situation [within reason] after they get married.

however, cooking nigerian food is time consuming and its not always convenient regardless if its the man or woman doing the cooking.


therefore people adapt.

in nigeria, its a lot easier to have maids, cook, etc because there's generally less stress when you have a good job.