Once there lived an old man
who kept all different kinds of
animals. But his grandson was
particularly intrigued by two
tigers that lived together in one
cage. The tigers had different
temperaments; one was calm
and self-controlled whilst the
other was unpredictable,
aggressive, violent, and vicious.
"Do they ever fight,
Grandfather?" asked the young
boy.
"Occasionally, yes they do,"
admitted the old man.
"And which one wins?"
"Well, that depends on which
one I feed the most."
Being able to control your
emotions depends in part on how much you
'feed' a particular emotion; on how much we
focus on what we are afraid of, enraged by, or
depressed about. But it's more than that.
Good 'emotional intelligence' requires we
understand our own moods, recognizing when
and why we are upset and having very real
strategies in place to be able to influence the
way that we feel.
So if you ever find yourself tossed around
helplessly on a hysterical tumultuous sea of
emotion and want some ways to at least
adjust your sails, the better to steer your own
course toward calmer waters, then read on,
dear reader.
1) Control your emotions by looking
ahead
I recall an old Zen master saying: "Your anger,
depression, spite, or despair, so seemingly real
and important right now; where will they have
gone in a month, a week, or even a moment?"
Very intense emotions blind us to the future
(1) and con us that now is all that matters. In
fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious,
we can even momentarily forget that there is
even going to be a future. I'm reminded of one
guy I worked with who'd stuffed an ice cream
cone in his boss's face when he was enraged.
This momentary action had huge and
prolonged consequences on this man's life;
particularly finances.
We've all said or done things we later regret
simply because, for a time, we let ourselves be
dictated by our own emotion. If you get angry,
think to yourself: "How will I feel tomorrow if I
lose my dignity and tell this person (I have to
see everyday) that they have a face like a cow
pat?" If you are anxious about some imminent
event, say to yourself: "Wow, how am I going
to feel tomorrow/next week when I look back
at this?" Look beyond the immediate and
you'll see the bigger picture and calm down,
too.
2) Get to know yourself
We all kid ourselves a little/a lot. "No, I'm
really pleased for you! No, I really
am! " (Arghhhhhhhh!)
Learn to observe your own attitudes and
emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step
to emotional control is to know when we are
actually being emotional and also why.
If you catch yourself feeling unexpectedly
strongly about something, ask yourself why.
Controlling your emotions isn't about
pretending they are not there. If you feel
jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or greedy, label
exactly how you are feeling in your own mind:
"Okay, I don't like that I'm feeling this way, but
I'm feeling very envious!" Now you've admitted
it to yourself.
The next step is to identify why you feel the
way you do: "I hate to admit it, but I'm feeling
envious of Bob because he's just been
complimented for his work and I haven't!"
Being able to exercise this self-honesty means
you don't have to resort to what a large
proportion of the human race do. You won't
have to 'rationalize'. We rationalize by kidding
ourselves that we are angry with someone not
because they have got a raise at work and we
haven't, but because of 'their attitude towards
us' or some other made up reason. Knowing
what emotion you are feeling and being man
or woman enough to identify the truth as to
why you are feeling it means you're that much
closer to doing something about it.
3) Change your mood; do something
different
We tend to assume that moods just 'happen
to us' and, like storms, the best we can do is
wait until they pass. But, unlike climatic
storms, we can influence - even change - our
moods without resorting to unhealthy means
such as alcohol or drugs. Being able to
manage and influence your own emotions is a
powerful marker for good health, emotional
maturity, and happiness.
One way to alter your mood is to instantly do
something else. For example, if you feel flat
and bored, continuing to watch uninteresting
TV will deepen the mood. Switching it off and
going for a walk in a new neighbourhood will
inevitably change your mood . If you feel cross,
consciously focus on three things in your life
for which you can feel grateful. If you are
anxious, start to imagine that what you are
anxious about has already happened and gone
much better than expected.
The important thing is just to do or think
something different. Don't be passively carried
along by the current of the mood. The quickest
way to do this may be to simply imagine not
feeling the way you are feeling. So if I'm
feeling hacked off, I might close my eyes and
take a few moments to strongly imagine
feeling relaxed and comfortable and even in a
good mood. This will, at the very least,
neutralize the bad mood and may even put
you in a good mood.
Next time you're in a bad mood, listen to this
free audio session below and see to what
extent you can change the mood.
4) Observe how others deal effectively
with their emotions
We can learn so much from other people (as
long as we look to the right people to learn
from!).
How do other 'emotionally skilled' people deal
with their frustrations and difficulties? You
could even ask them: "How do you keep so
cool when you're presenting to all these
people? Why doesn't that make you angry?
How do you keep smiling after such
setbacks?"
Their answers could actually change your life
if you start to apply what you learn.
5) Change your physiology
Some people assume that emotions are 'all in
your head', whereas actually all emotions are
physical responses. Anger pushes heart rate
and blood pressure up, which is why having
an angry temperament is a predictor of heart
disease (2); anxiety produces lots of physical
changes; and even depression suppresses the
immune system (3).
So part of changing your emotional state
involves dealing directly with the physical
changes. Physical changes are led by the way
we breathe. For instance, anger and anxiety
can only 'work' if we are breathing quicker
with shallow breaths. Take time to:
Stop breathing for five seconds (to 'reset'
your breath).
Now breathe in slowly, focussing on your
diaphragm, until your lungs are full of air.
Then breathe out even more slowly (and
whilst doing this, imagine that you are
breathing pure rest and relaxation into your
hands).
Keep doing this and remember it's the out-
breath that will calm everything down.
6) Use your noggin
Think of emotion as a strong but stupid being
that sometimes needs your guidance and
direction. We need some emotion to motivate
us, but it needs to be the right emotion at the
right time applied in the right way. The more
emotional we become, the stupider we become
(4). This is because emotions want us to react
blindly and physically rather than to think or
be objective and rational.
Being objective and rational when a lion was
attacking wouldn't have been great from an
evolutionary point of view - because it would
have slowed us down. But much of modern life
needs measured calm thought rather than
blind and sloppy emotional responses.
If you force the thinking part of your brain to
work when you start to feel emotional, then
you can dilute and subdue the rampaging
emotional part. You can do this by simply
forcing yourself to remember three names of
other students you went to school with or even
running through the alphabet in your head.
Try it - because it really will work.
7) Create spare capacity in your life
We experience counterproductive emotions for
different reasons. Maybe we have never learnt
to control ourselves or perhaps we are living
in such a way that makes it more likely we'll
experience emotional problems.
Every organism, from amoeba to antelope and
from bluebell flower to blue whale, has needs.
And so do you. If these needs aren't met, then
the organism will suffer. You have very basic
needs for food, sleep, shelter, and water; if
these needs aren't met properly, you will feel
more emotional - no doubt. But you also have
emotional needs.
To be emotionally healthy, a person needs to:
Feel safe and secure; feel they have safe
territory.
Regularly give and receive quality attention.
Feel a sense of influence and control over
their life.
Feel part of a wider community.
Enjoy friendship, fun, love, and intimacy
with significant people.
Feel a sense of status; basically, feel they
have a recognizable role in life. This also
connects to a sense of competence and
achievement.
Feel stretched but not stressed to avoid
stagnation, boredom, and to enhance self-
esteem and a sense of status in life.
When these are met adequately, we then feel
our life has meaning and purpose.
Not meeting basic needs leaves us feeling that
life is pointless and meaningless and will leave
us wide open to emotional problems.
When you live in a way that, to some extent,
meets all or most of the above needs, then
you'll enjoy greater emotional stability and
control. Knowing what you need in life is the
first step to creating 'spare capacity' to focus
beyond your emotions. And you can see how
not meeting the need for feeling secure or
getting enough attention or feeling connected
to people around you could cause you
emotional problems. Really think about these
needs and gradually pursue activities that are
likely to help you fulfil them.
In this way, you'll begin to feed the right tiger
with the right amount of the right foods.