I am doomed, please  help!!!! I have reached a cross road don’t know what to do cos am losing my mind. My marriage is a living hell and everything have turned upside down. My husband has become so distant, though we live in the house we are so far apart,
There is total breakdown of communication between us and he doesn’t ever see anything good about me. Even when I try to please him he said it’s pretense,

He cheats on me big time; I see love text messages from different women on his phone over 10 ladies at a time, infact chasing women has become a hobby  to him, he insults me, slave me,  He locked me at home from attending a friend's child dedication last sunday all my plea fell on deaf ears. I have tried to have discussions severally with him but doesnt even wanna hear me out., I try as much as possible to show understanding in every thing but he just over look. He spends more time outside than at home, I practically beg him to spend time with me and the baby. He run shift at work and our time contradicts but the little time we have to spend together he finds one or two excuses to leave home… sometimes he sneaks out of the house without telling me.

When I try to inquire why he has been treating me like poo he says am rude  and I don’t respect him and I ask in wot way cos I really want to live peacefully, he should table my wrongs so I can make amends…. all he says is I don’t  respect and trust him…… am really confused here. I told him that I  want to earn his trust once more and cant just trust him blindly cos I don’t know him anymore…. He is so different from the man I married and to say we dated for 4 yrs and got married barely two years ago, I ask myself was I so blind that I didn’t see the handwriting on the wall or wot

He is so jealous of my little success……he wants me to always crawl up to beg him for every thing. I work I really don’t depend on him, infact I pay my school fees otherwise I would have long drop out. Rather than us working together he competes with me. Mid last year I told him I wanted to open a super market and he said ok, I tried carrying him along he never showed much interest, I drew an action plan and started executing one by one, he never 4 once ask about the progress made I even ask him to borrow me money he refused, now he see that the business is about  taking off,  to my amazement he has started searching for a shop to start his, I said lets do this together and expand later, he said he want to start his own. Since then he has been thwarting all my efforts to start. I have put in all my life and have borrowed from my office but he is just frustrating me.
He sees that I am very enterprising and he is threatened that I might be richer than him.
He  doesn’t display maturity in handling issues.

Nothing seems to be working in this union, I have to always struggled on my own for everything. I was crying one day and I ask wot his definition of marriage is. I tried to tell him my fears, that even though am married I feel so alone in my world, that I have a husband but I feel so single taking  decisions myself, he said  we will talk about that later but he never did.

I have a year old beautiful daughter, at the slightest provocation he ask me to leave his house and say I can take the baby along and thank God she is a girl. Though he has not expressly stated it he sounds like he is not happy that I gave birth to a girl.

I wanted to leave last week but he started begging and promised to change but things has become even worse.

Please help cos am about calling it quit but want to be sure I am not making a mistake.

I wellcome constructive criticism and tips that could help.

am reading ,will get bak to u shortly

wao.
some man u got there.
patience,prayers and persistence always win.
hold on,dont walk away.
there will always be that one person that ur husband respects and obeys,
why dont you consider seeking the intervention of such person to save u the pain and agony of ur marriage?
if is his pastor,meet him,if his parents still command his respect,pls meet them.
i really dont think it is wrong to invovle highly respected third parties
into ur affair if it proves to be the saving grace.

Honey,

see a marriage counsellor. Your marriage
is doomed for the rocks.

You don't leave your matrimonial home for any reason. Remain there and be Focused . Be a good wife no matter what, be patient and always pray. With time, things will come back to normal. Thats all i can advice you to do.

Wow, there are so many issues here, and I do not think you will find anyone here that is able to help you,
(maybe you will let wait and see) This will take counseling for you and your husband, to make this marriage work.

I think Kx has a point. Try involving some elders, people you believe your husband respect.

All the best honey

Thanks for all your responses so far

unfortunately there is no body I can tell except God
he is from a polygamous home and his mum has left is his father after 9 children and now live with a much younger lover. He just got to tell me in one of our quarrels that his mom never supported his marriage to me.

His folks are in the village and have never spent a night at his house but he keep saying "not wonder my family hates u" "no wonder they say u are not respectful" and I keep wondering who are these people cos I only met few of his folks when he took me for introduction. I was very friendly with everyone and even eat together with his mom. When we got back to Lagos I ask wot his people's opinion was he said everything was fine and we went on and got married. Now he keeps saying my people said u are a bad woman, u are this and that, no wonder they said he shouldnt marry me and funny enough I dont know these people, and he did not even tell me till almost 2 yrs. perhaps this explains why his mom was not forth coming during our marriage preparations, when I ask him he said since his father was going to be involved she will be silent cos she doesnt want to have any issues with the father. He assured me every thing was OK.

I also notice that he fears his mom alot and he will never talk on phone with his mom/siblings in my presence and I wonder why?

There are really some issues, it wont be easy but you can have ur marriage back.

Thank God you are working for now.

I want to look at his complaints first.

Your being rude- have you tried to adjust in your ways of talking espeically when there are issues to settle? The fact that you are doing well and independent of him could create some aura of "i am ok" in you which he sees as act of being rude too. Some women are fond of this attitude.  


Trust:  you said u often see texts by other women, have u confronted him with it to show him your reasons for not trusting him.

Respect:  Are u sure ur enterprising poweress is not taking over your usual submission and that u are not doing things differently which he may be seeing as disrespecting him.  wherefore you are sure u have not failed in your own areas you can try some of these suggestions:

Be yourself and dont let the situation change you.  try to be happy else he thinks he is getting at you.  no matter how painful, try to be in control of your emotions, he would be wondering the source of your strenght and want to make up if he loves you.

2.  Always show the attitude of "this is my home" and not anyone can occupy here.  be in control, do your normal chores and serve the family in your capacity.

3.  Pray for him and let him know u do.

4.  Always ask him about his own business but dont pokenose.

5. Make savings for your children and make sure ur laying good moral foundations for them.

Drop love notes to show you still love him and make sure u are still alive romantically, perfumes, good hair dos, good treats etc.  best of luck

No u're not doomed!!!!

[b]There are really some issues, it wont be easy but you can have your marriage back.

Thank God you are working for now.

I want to look at his complaints first.

Your being rude- have you tried to adjust in your ways of talking espeically when there are issues to settle? The fact that you are doing well and independent of him could create some aura of "i am ok" in you which he sees as act of being rude too. Some women are fond of this attitude.


Trust: you said u often see texts by other women, have u confronted him with it to show him your reasons for not trusting him.

Respect: Are u sure your enterprising poweress is not taking over your usual submission and that u are not doing things differently which he may be seeing as disrespecting him. wherefore you are sure u have not failed in your own areas you can try some of these suggestions:

Be yourself and dont let the situation change you. try to be happy else he thinks he is getting at you. no matter how painful, try to be in control of your emotions, he would be wondering the source of your strenght and want to make up if he loves you.

2. Always show the attitude of "this is my home" and not anyone can occupy here. be in control, do your normal chores and serve the family in your capacity.

3. Pray for him and let him know u do.

4. Always ask him about his own business but dont pokenose.

5. Make savings for your children and make sure your laying good moral foundations for them.

Drop love notes to show you still love him and make sure u are still alive romantically, perfumes, good hair dos, good treats etc. best of luck[/b]

When issues arises I try as much as possible to quench them by asking rather than calm down he will be the one playing the victim. Even though I have heaven and earth I know I should love and respect my husband.

Yes I  showed him the text messages and he said the sender mistakingly sent them to his phone whereas the GSM number is registered on his fone. sometimes he will say they are his friends gf. Infact he has become a super liar and I hate him so much for that. when I demand further explanations he start calling me names, that I am the one cheating and he will call a family meeting and ask me to confess my illicit affairs with men.  am already treating an STD, am really afraid and wants to leave but my mom said no.

That am enterprising shouldnt get into my head not to be submissive to my husband, that's why I like to carry him along.

I will try tips out thanks so much.

I know that a lot of people will continue to advice that you stay with him and be a good wife but I beg to defer. To me, you will only come to this world but once, so why suffer through it. Why should you stay unhappy in marriage. Please, if you are still young, pull out. It is always better to stay alive to nurse your beautiful baby. If you die today, that baby girl of your may live to suffer throughout life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, passing through it with agony and unhappiness is something I don't subject to. There is an adage that one may not know the virtue of something until one loses it. If he loses you, he may then know your worth. On a final note, marriage is only by accident. I don't belief that there won't be a good man else where for you. You will meet such, one day and he will know and cherish your worth,

Gosh, what a jerk!

@poster
there is one simple issue that you have to focus on. . . . . . .  and that is: DO YOU THINK HE PROTECTS HIMSELF WITH ALL IS MISTRESSES?
the last thing you want to do is having unprotected s e x with him as you would be putting yourself in grave dangers.
you have to save yourself before its too late, for your daughter's sake!
i will be one of the only few to say: LEAVE THAT MAN and move on with your life and your baby's too as he definitely doesnt deserve you.

there is no need to stay with someone who does not want to be with you. this kind of household is definitely WRONG for any child growing up and better be separated/divorced and happy than together and miserable.
marriage isnt by force. you tried and fail(face the facts) dont be like the millions of women who bang their heads on the wall thinking that it will be ok. believe me: a man that is married and has 10mistresses WILL NEVER get back to normal life again.
dont be walked on like a piece of rug just because the writing says "for better or worse!".
your situation has passed the worst stages! just forget about counseling because thats for people who care about their spouse/family. forget about pastors because we all know what they will tell you to do. USE YOUR BRAIN for the sake of your daughter and for the sake of LIFE!!!!
HIV is real o!!!!!!

@OP: Im so sorry to hear your story. It is apparent to me that the guy is just insecure because you are ambitious and you're "outshining him". I don't think there's anything wrong with that, since from your story, you are not rubbing it in his face. Some men are like that. I think I will agree with my friend, Mhismole. You need to see a marriage counsellor. I wish you all the best!

Too much wahala in dis world. . .God save your daughter r. . .

When issues arises I try as much as possible to quench them by asking rather than calm down he will be the one playing the victim. Even though I have heaven and earth I know I should love and respect my husband.

Yes I  showed him the text messages and he said the sender mistakingly sent them to his phone whereas the GSM number is registered on his fone. sometimes he will say they are his friends gf. Infact he has become a super liar and I hate him so much for that. when I demand further explanations he start calling me names, that I am the one cheating and he will call a family meeting and ask me to confess my illicit affairs with men.   am already treating an STD, am really afraid and wants to leave but my mom said no.

That am enterprising shouldnt get into my head not to be submissive to my husband, that's why I like to carry him along.

I will try tips out thanks so much.


@poster

I appreciate your desire to make this marriage work and that is what a woman trained by a mother should do.  your mother knows better.

Leaving your matrimonial home is not as easy as most advisers are seeing it, most men out there would even reject u for the simple reason that u left, my own idea is try everything possible to:

stay married
have enough reason why u have to leave your hubby
make a long time plan for your future so long he is not punching you
crete your own enviroment,  who knows what u would meet outside if you go by the advice of leaving him.  

Stay there and work on your life and future, your mother understands it better.  Your life is what u make out of it, make a home and not a house and if possible see a marriage councillor for one on one talk.
You are not doomed yet. best of luck.

@ all, thanks for all the adivce, I will sure ponder on them all.

like ninapha said I will have to secure my future and my daughters b4 leaving if I have to, but the most painful thing is that he is thwarting all my efforts eg like the boy I brought to oversee the supermarket while in the office he sent him away.

The shop is ready, I am ready to stock it now nobody 2 oversee it.

u see my plight, he always wants to draw me back.

glo12:

You don't leave your matrimonial home for any reason. Remain there and be Focused . Be a good wife no matter what, be patient and always pray. With time, things will come back to normal. Thats all i can advice you to do.

^^^ are you kidding me

Poster
yes divorce is very previlent in todays world but from everything you wrote you have to get some courage and leave. You can't and no one can justify having a husband who abuses them emotionally maybe physically cheats on you never spends any time with you insults you locks you in the house because you went to an event he probably knew about and so many more bad things. Sweety does he have to kill you before you know that he is no longer the man you fell in love with i'm sorry but you have to be brave and get out while you can use the conflict in schedule to pack all your things and move that way at least you will have peace of mind. People always talk about our fathers and mothers and how they stay married for long long time because they didn't leave at the first sign of trouble, but if you look at the children that these same people raised you will see that most of them have problems because of what they encountered with their parents. Think of your child and you sanity which should be the most important things to you and leave you definately dont have to take any of that abuse.

Damysa:

@ all, thanks for all the adivce, I will sure ponder on them all.
like ninapha said I will have to secure my future and my daughters b4 leaving if I have to, but the most painful thing is that he is thwarting all my efforts eg like the boy I brought to oversee the supermarket while in the office he sent him away.
The shop is ready, I am ready to stock it now nobody 2 oversee it.
u see my plight, he always wants to draw me back.

how can you secure a future for your child if that husband of yours is making sure that you dont succeed?
this man doesnt want you to succeed, he wants you to be dependent of him so that he can treat you as he wishes. if you succeed then you can fly away, you can do what you want, you can pay your own rent and get the hell out of this misery.

any good husband would have been behind you, helping you the best he can because, in the real world, your success is HIS success! but not in your marriage!
the guy is putting obstacles in your road to success, he is not your husband, he is a "competitor" and will do anything for you to FAIL!
that is wickedness knowing that you have a daughter together. he thinks only about his selfish being, nothing else!

InesQor:

@OP: Im so sorry to hear your story. It is apparent to me that the guy is just insecure because you are ambitious and you're "outshining him". I don't think there's anything wrong with that, since from your story, you are not rubbing it in his face. Some men are like that. I think I will agree with my friend, Mhismole. You need to see a marriage counsellor. I wish you all the best!

In addition to my previous comment above, I think you should try not to have a negative attitude. Your daughter needs you more now than ever. I say this because in your OP, you said "I am doomed, etc etc. . ." Your daughter needs you to be strong and focused for her sake. Cheers.

Surely, this is not an easy situation, and you seem already strong for taking all this. I'm sorry to say that but it really seems like part of the story is missing there, How can a man you've known for  6 years change so much like that. Can't you identifye anything that led to it?

A few questions that you can ask yourself: it seems your husband doesn't like the fact that you are successful, what was your plan before you guys get married? Did he know that you wanted to pursue a carreer even after giving birth to children? Did he know you were ambitious and what reaction did he have? Did you discuss money? How you'd share it, how you'd manage the home? I'm saying this coz some men like the wife to stay home and wanna be the only bread provider, If he has a very traditionnal mind (or if his family puts such ideas in his mind) he might think you don't respect him coz you go out and work and make your own money to support the home and yourself, If that's the case, you will have to know if one of you is ready to compromise on that point (I would personnally find it difficult to be with a man who doesn't respect my carreer and ambitions, ).

Another point is the baby girl, when you guys talked about children before having her, did you raise the question of the sex? What was his position on it? Once again, do you think his family can be putting ideas in his head such as "you are not a good wife coz you didn't give him a boy" (as if you could choose   ),

Maybe you hurt him through little things that are unimportant to you, like asking him to "help" you for your supermarket's opening, when obviously you don't need that help, or offering to help him to open his own shope (like "I can do it alone but you might need help", these would be flimsy reasons for his big change of attitude, and he should have let you know before if anything was wrong but you never know,

When did this all start? What happened at that time? What changed? And before that? Any event that could have started things to turn ugly? Hasn't there been a time when you had a conversation or a fight that you overlooked thinking it was no big deal but that might be a big deal to him?

Good luck anyway, I admire your efforts to try your best to save your marriage,  give it time and efforts but as other said, also think of yourself and your baby's future and safety,

You told him you were leaving? Stop playing. Whatever happened to secretly leaving while he's at work and letting him return to an empty house?

So you are treating an STD already. I really do not know what to say to you. The man is mentally and emotionally abusive. He has already given you and STD. Please make sure you get your regular pap smears because cervical cancer is not respecter of person and he obviously is not using protection. You cannot detect HPV from a blood test. I am not one of those persons that think you must die in a marriage.

@ all, thanks for all the adivce, I will sure ponder on them all.

like ninapha said I will have to secure my future and my daughters b4 leaving if I have to, but the most painful thing is that he is thwarting all my efforts eg like the boy I brought to oversee the supermarket while in the office he sent him away.

The shop is ready, I am ready to stock it now nobody 2 oversee it.

u see my plight, he always wants to draw me back.


@poster
Hand the mangement of the supermarket over to ur trusted siblings to oversee while u sort urself out with him.

Most importantly, get hold of your emotion at this time, U alone understnds how it feels, I am an outsider but, i know what it is.

You sure do not want to go squating right, then create a time frame while u work things out.

Then if eventually u cant cope after considering all the weight, you sure can be incharge of your life and that of your daughter till u make a new home.

The STD? Treat it and insist he does or u have a good reason to stay away.

Cheating on u? Pretend it does not hurt even if it does, but make sure, u are looking good too.

Be sure u can defend ur leaving if u have to do. U can still win this battle. Best of luck.

I can understand how you feel, But please dont ever consider leaving, Keep praying for him, Hes a prodigal son, He'll return back to his senses very soon,

not enuff time to read all replies,

but one thing i noticed is ppl telling you not to leave, i think u should just slug it out with him, He is prolly cheating on you but its you he married and none of the other ladies. you even tried leaving and he begged you not to. that counts for something doesnt it?

there's no point reading his sms, u know the rule of thumb "when u go looking for something, you well and truly will find it"

play his game his way, let him be, ignore him and his actions for a while, see how that pans out

best of luck, hope u guys work out,


Cheers~~

.

It is so sad that you are going through all these. Moreso, he has no one whom you can talk to. Not even his mother- She is living a bad example. My advice is pray, pray and continue to pray and be patient. But then, be smart. Save money for yourself and your future along with your daughter's. No one would do that for you. Do not let him bother you to the extent of affecting your academics. Be the best you can be. Continue to succeed. If possible, dont let him know of your successes as he is not happy that you are. Be slow to speak. Be as gentle as a dove but as wise as a serpent. That is what the bible says. I wish you the best

onpe

Please let go and let it flow. When love brings you so much pain in your life the best thing is to LET GO. People fall in and out of love, its a very normal thing. If you story is true then, Please save yourself all the agonizing pains and leave. Its better to be single than to be a in miserable marriage. Life is to short wasting it on someone that is clearly tired or fed up with you but hasn't the guts to tell you.