My fellow nairalanders,
what would you do if you were in shoes?
i just paid my wife's bride price a month ago, though we started making love in november last year.
we paid a visit to the doctor for all the usual tests before our wedding only to find out the following.
My wife has Ovarian cyst on both ovaries, fibriod, pelvic infection and an enlarged womb.
The doctor says its as a result of an infection she has had over a year.
I have spent over 50k on medical bills so far and i'm scared shitless.
Will she ever concieve? should i leave her and call off the wedding?

Are you guys in Nigeria? Sorry I am wary of Nigerian Doctors. They can look in someones eyes and diagnose arthritis. Get a second and third opinion. None of what you said above equals not being able to conceive. Are you marrying her just to make babies. At the end of the day don't make her life miserable. If you are that scared then just leave the poor woman alone for someone who will walk with her through the process and not make her feel sub human because she might have issues conceiving

Don't worry African Man.  The human genome will not be hurt by the lack of your DNA in the gene pool.  Come to find out there are over 6.5 billion people on our planet.  Don't worry we'll make it without you.  One way you can help, try adopting and taking care of some of the unwanted children.

Or possibly donate the funds you were planning to use to spread your DNA to an orphanage.

Sheesh, some egotistical people got some nerve.

I understand your concern but if you want to leave her because of an infection now before you marry then leave now. Marriage is challenging, if you want to back off now because of this small challenge leave before the greater challenges come. What will you do if she had cancer?
On the other hand if you decide to stay then ask the Doctor the implication and possible treatment. Infections like that are qiute common among women and because some women do not go for regularly pap smear a simple infection can result into the conditions you highlighted above. Because of the nature of the female organ it is open and easily infected. Seek professional advice , but dont leave her now, you want to spend your life with her, there will be hard times, you cant keep running

wow, i can't fit shout. this is serious. Since both of you are not yet married i know your mind is already made up.
Oh well its up to you!

Get your doctor to reaffirm the possibilities of her getting better with no future complications. Will she be able to have children despite all these? Will u have any problems conceiving etc? Has she been healthy before now? You really need to sit and weigh all the options.

Most importantly, pray for her healing. The devil is a liar and may just want to steal your joy for now. It is well!!

nellaluv:

wow, i can't fit shout. this is serious. Since both of you are not yet married i know your mind is already made up.
Oh well its up to you!

They are already married, under the native law and custom. A bride price has been paid and accepted.
Infact he doesn't even have right to marry another wife, except the first marriage is annuled by a return of the
bride price.

How come she has everything? Am not saying it is not possible, but my advice, get another medical check and a confirmation that she can still make babies. If there are any operation that needs to be done, she should do them now, before the issue becomes complicated.

If you love her, be by her side at this moment of your relationship.

The infection caused all these illnesses. How can a man start a marriage on this note?
And the annoying part of all this is that she knew all this and lied to me. She kept it all to her self and now, i'm to foot the bills for all her medicals. The doctors won't even give clear details if she can conceive. They said they can only tell after the operation.

@Samparian -

Ovarian Cysts and Fibroid are quite normal. In fact, ALL women have cysts. The difference is whether they are functional or non functional. Also, a third of women will have Fibroids. Again, there is no cause for concern if they are not not growing, or causing any symptoms. She will obviously need to have regular check ups to monitor them. An enlarged uterus is usually caused by having the Fibroids, though there are other causes (Adenomyosis, Uterine Cancer and Menopause), but these are not the likely causes in your fiance's case.

What is of greater importance though, is the Pelvic Infection or PID. It is usually caused by having untreated STD's such as Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea. It poses a much greater risk to her fertility and ability to conceive in the future. You should undergo also a STD test.
I think it is time to have a serious conversation with your wife to be.

like Outstrip said, i think its safer if you get a second opinion just to make sure. dont easily rely on the opinion of this first doctor.

@OP
My advice is 'LEAVE HER ALONE'

Not because of what the doctors are saying but because I suspect you dont love her enough.

If your fear should become real, I foresee her going through hell with you.

So please let someone who loves her and who is ready to truly stand by her for better & for worse marry her.

thanks for all your candid contributions.
as suggested, a third doctor has been consulted and i'm afraid the news is not encouraging. i'm also receiving treatment for infection she has passed on to me.
i honestly dont think i can continue with this.
i cant even afford the operation that is being lined up.
Blame me all you want but i cant continue.
what would you do?

@samparian

Every advice given to you on nairaland is correct. But it seems your mind is already made up on this relationship. You are telling us for our interest not for our contributions.

Respect and stick to what your mind has told you. You will definitely get a bigger challenge when you are married and i am sure you will not stand by her. You don't seem to love her much. It will be better you discontinue now that the marriage has not fully kicked off to save this poor girl's emotion.

@poster
you are definitely NOT at a crossroad but at the END of the road.
if marrying this woman is only about securing kids then i can safely say that you never loved that woman and that "ego/peer pressure" or whatever is stronger than the supposedly LOVE that you had for this galis whats important to you.

i am sure you would even call yourself a god fearing person but will quickly forget the words "for better or worse" when it suits you.
run child,run!

Poster
The only question i need to ask you is does your religion or culture ALLOW U TO MARRY A 2ND WIFE ?
It doesnt look this woman will give u kids in a hurry if thats why u're marrying her.

samparian:

My fellow nairalanders,
what would you do if you were in shoes?
i just paid my wife's bride price a month ago, though we started making love in november last year.
we paid a visit to the doctor for all the usual tests before our wedding only to find out the following.
My wife has Ovarian cyst on both ovaries, fibriod, pelvic infection and an enlarged womb.
The doctor says its as a result of an infection she has had over a year.
I have spent over 50k on medical bills so far and i'm scared shitless.
Will she ever concieve? should i leave her and call off the wedding?

Should you leave her? Because she might not be able to concieve? Na wa oh!

I think some posters are being unnecessarily harsh with the OP here. Remember that his so called fiance has deceived him, lied to him about her underlying conditions, which she knew about, gave him a STD, and has probably cheated on him. I say probably because we do not know when she contracted the STD, or when the relationship started. It is safe to assume that if they started sleeping together in NOV (as the OP says), then she probably contracted if afterwards. If this is not enough grounds to terminate your relationship, then i do not know what is. The OP is even lucky all he got from her was just the STD, and not the Big A!

@Chaircover -

Please remember that she didn't ask for these things to happen

Err, regarding the PID, she did. She had unprotected intimacy, contracted a STD, left it untreated, and ended up with the Pelvic Infection. She also happend to pass it on to him!

@MBJAY

if marrying this woman is only about securing kids then i can safely say that you never loved that woman and that "ego/peer pressure" or whatever is stronger than the supposedly LOVE that you had for this gal.

I think an ability to have children together would score very high on most peoples list when they get married. One of the purposes of marriage is to procreate under a Godly and legal mandate.
It is unfair to accuse the OP of not loving his wife to be just because he intends to protect his right to have children when he gets married.

@Ujujoan - Read above.

@Samparian - Whilst it is not her fault for having Fibroids and Cysts, the Pelvic Infection is her fault, as it means she had unprotected sex, and contracted a STD in the process - Which she has also given to you.

You have not informed of of your analysis as to when she contracted the STD, as this may means she has been unfaithful, and doing it whilst unprotected. This is surely a much bigger issue. Having your fiance cheat on you, and give you a STD is surely not the best recipe for a successful marriage in the future.

Based purely on the lies, deceit, infidelity, STD, and your subsequent infection, and NOT on the Fibroid or Cysts issue, i would advise you to cut your losses and terminate the relationship with immediate effect.

On a different note, have you gone for a HIV test? Is your fiancee tested? You may have bigger things to worry about.

Romeo4real:

@MBJAY I think an ability to have children together would score very high on most peoples list when they get married. One of the purposes of marriage is to procreate under a Godly and legal mandate.
It is unfair to accuse the OP of not loving his wife to be just because he intends to protect his right to have children when he gets married.

so are you saying that love comes at a price? is this love about the person or just what she can provide?
people should love and cherish their partner for WHO they are not what they can give/bring them.

yes, having babies and a great family is wonderful but it should be a BONUS of that "supposed" love that brought you together at the first place and not the ultimate reason for marriage.
its about finding someone that you cant live without and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them (with or without kids)

marrying for the WRONG reasons. . . . . . . .and then you wonder why so many strangers are marrying stranger in 9ja!!!!

would OP feel the same way if he realized that he was impotent or would his stand change?
whats next?! they only had girls so OP will divorce her? baby aint smart so OP will divorce her?

Romeo4real:


@MBJAY I think an ability to have children together would score very high on most peoples list when they get married. One of the purposes of marriage is to procreate under a Godly and legal mandate.
It is unfair to accuse the OP of not loving his wife to be just because he intends to protect his right to have children when he gets married.

@Ujujoan - Read above.

So you think she no longer deserves his love because she can't give him children?

Sometimes these diseases are not STD. They could be contacted through public toilets and in some cases, they would exhibit little or no symptoms!
Maybe she didn't even think it was worth discussing at all!

I'm not making excuses for the woman but what if it were something different? What is she had an accident? Would he also 'protect his right to have children' by leaving her for someone else?

@ MBJAY -

so are you saying that love comes at a price? is this love about the person or just what she can provide?

No I'm not saying that. Love is simply one of the reasons to enter into a life partnership with someone. There are many others. A joint desire to have, or not have children is another.

people should love and cherish their partner for WHO they are not what they can give/bring them.

Err, an oxymoron. WHO your partner is, is exactly what they are, and thereby, what they can give - Which is exactly why you love them. See. And this is not about love in isolation. it is about marriage!

yes, having babies and a great family is wonderful but it should be a BONUS of that "supposed" love that brought you together at the first place and not the ultimate reason for marriage.

I don't understand this point. You certainly don't need to get married to show your partner you love them; but if you are a Christian, you need to get married in order to have children together, in most countries, you need to get married if you legally want the children to bear your name. You also need to be married in order to have inalienable rights to your children.

I put it to you, that having children is not a "bonus" for most people in a marriage. It is one of the purposes.

its about finding someone that you cant live without and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them (with or without kids)

If this were a true statement, then most couple having problems conceiving would not undergo fertility treatments or go into adoption programmes.

marrying for the WRONG reasons. . . . . . . .and then you wonder why so many strangers are marrying stranger in 9ja!!!!

Many people do marry for the wrong reasons. If children were the SOLE reason for a man getting married, then i concur, as he would likely make the wrong choice. I doubt this is the case for the OP and most people. It is simply ONE of the reasons. Nothing wrong with that.

would OP feel the same way if he realized that he was impotent or would his stand change?

But this would not be his fault. I did make it clear to the OP that he cannot apportion blame for the Fibroids and Cysts, but the PID is definitely her fault, and is the most likely reason for any future difficulty in conceiving.


Ujujoan -

So you think she no longer deserves his love because she can't give him children?

As i said to MBJAY, Love is not the only reason you get married. There are a myriad of reasons. Anyone who bases their decision solely on love is as stupid as anyone who bases it solely on any of the other reasons, inc children. I outlined to the OP some of the reasons he should not continue this relationship. None included the inability to have children.

Sometimes these diseases are not STD. They could be contacted through public toilets and in some cases

It was an STD that caused the Pelvic Infection. The OP confirmed it. Here is his quote -

I'm also receiving treatment for infection she has passed on to me

.

I'm not making excuses for the woman but what if it were something different? What is she had an accident?

Well, as i said already, this would not be her fault. Having PID due to unprotected sex, and contracting a STD is HER fault. It is not a random occurrence. Moreover, the PID greatly increases a woman's chance of infertility of difficulty conceiving far more that Fibroids or Cysts. So who is at fault here? God? The Husband?

we are only assuming that the fiancee gave the poster a STD. How do we know for certain that it isn't the other way round?

Chaircover, what kind of fantasy is this? How do we know? Well, the OP said she gave it to him. He is currently on medication for it. Or should we now disbelieve the OP? Also, the PID was found only when they paid a routine visit to the doctor.
If he gave it to her, and she made no mention of it until the routine examination discovered it, surely she would have raised hell. The fat that she didn't shows that she either gave it to him, or is not sure she gave it to him. Do bear in mind that PID infection can take anything from 3 days to 2 mths to develop.

so are you saying that love comes at a price? is this love about the person or just what she can provide?

No I'm not saying that. Love is simply one of the reasons to enter into a life partnership with someone. There are many others. A joint desire to have, or not have children is another.
you wrote above that the desire to have children is just ONE of the reason for marriage but yet, when she suddenly loose that "attribute", she is considered VOID. i would therefore conclude that having children IS the strongest/only reason for marriage in this case because if love ever mattered, then there would still be leverage for marriage.

people should love and cherish their partner for WHO they are not what they can give/bring them.

Err, an oxymoron. WHO your partner is, is exactly what they are, and thereby, what they can give - Which is exactly why you love them. See. And this is not about love in isolation. it is about marriage!
of course but dont mix the two. . . . . . . . . you love them because of their strength/dedication/drive/passion/mind/care/love etc and not because of the "possible" child that she may bring to this union(although her motherly instinct can be evaluated)
this is why people TRY for a kid. . . . . . . . . .it is definitely not a sure thing that can be asked of a woman.

yes, having babies and a great family is wonderful but it should be a BONUS of that "supposed" love that brought you together at the first place and not the ultimate reason for marriage.

I don't understand this point. You certainly don't need to get married to show your partner you love them; but if you are a Christian, you need to get married in order to have children together, in most countries, you need to get married if you legally want the children to bear your name. You also need to be married in order to have inalienable rights to your children.
I put it to you, that having children is not a "bonus" for most people in a marriage. It is one of the purposes.
what i was saying was that since people got married for love(and no other reason), then only that said love for each other is important to go into a marriage convenant. if a child later comes in this union then it would ONLY be a bonus to that already wonderful union but definitely NOT the reason for that marriage.
although its funny how you pointed out how children seemed to be the only purpose to get married.
is there any other purpose to marriage in your world?!

its about finding someone that you cant live without and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them (with or without kids)

If this were a true statement, then most couple having problems conceiving would not undergo fertility treatments or go into adoption programs.
yes most people want to have kids with their spouse but as you beautifully pointed out, many will stand by their partner if she cant conceive and find other means to have a family. its called LOVE! there isnt an inch of love in the OP's situation, his gf was just a womb for his family purpose.

marrying for the WRONG reasons. . . . . . . .and then you wonder why so many strangers are marrying stranger in 9ja!!!!

Many people do marry for the wrong reasons. If children were the SOLE reason for a man getting married, then i concur, as he would likely make the wrong choice. I doubt this is the case for the OP and most people. It is simply ONE of the reasons. Nothing wrong with that.
but why is that reason the only factor in deciding if he will marry her or not (its the only thing that changed). therefore its certain that its the ONLY factor in OP's mind to decide on marrying her or not.

Romeo4real:

Chaircover, what kind of fantasy is this? How do we know?Well, the OP said she gave it to him. He is currently on medication for it. Or should we now disbelieve the OP?Also, the PID was found only when they paid a routine visit to the doctor. 
If he gave it to her, and she made no mention of it until the routine examination discovered it, surely she would have raised hell. The fat that she didn't shows that she either gave it to him, or is not sure she gave it to him. Do bear in mind that PID infection can take anything from 3 days to 2 mths to develop.

of course thats what he would say, you expected him to come and say "oh i gave my fiancé an std and now she has PID"?

for all we know, the dude could have been the carrier. since this one side of the story give the woman the benefit of doubt

you wrote above that the desire to have children is just ONE of the reason for marriage but yet, when she suddenly loose that "attribute", she is considered VOID. i would therefore conclude that having children IS the strongest/only reason for marriage in this case because if love ever mattered, then there would still be leverage for marriage.

If it is the strongest reason for him, that's his choice. It does NOT mean he does not love her. The same way love could be the strongest reason for a woman choosing to marry a lying philandering man. That's also her choice. This is my point. You cannot argue that one is more valid than the other.

you love them because of their strength/dedication/drive/passion/mind/care/love etc and not because of the "possible" child that she may bring to this union(although her motherly instinct can be evaluated)

That's your opinion - which you are fully entitled to. I put it to you most men love a woman for more than you have outlined above. People love for a myriad of reasons. Just because a woman's child bearing potential is of no consequence to you, does not mean it does not matter to another man, and it certainly does not mean he does not love her. Can you accept that?

what i was saying was that since people got married for love(and no other reason), then only that said love for each other is important to go into a marriage convenant.

I know exactly what you were saying. The problem is that people don't get married only for love.

if a child later comes in this union then it would ONLY be a bonus to that already wonderful union but definitely NOT the reason for that marriage.

Read above. Children are NOT a bonus for most in a marriage, but an expectation.

although its funny how you pointed out how children seemed to be the only purpose to get married.

Please show me where i said this.

but why is that reason the only factor in deciding if he will marry her or not (its the only thing that changed). therefore its certain that its the ONLY factor in OP's mind to decide on marrying her or not.

Because its his reason, and its important to him! Will you have the same argument against a woman who refuses to marry an irresponsible man even when she claims she loves him? Or a woman who refuses to marry a man when she finds out he is infertile? Having a child is a right for some, and they have the right to exercise that right. Love should certainly not come in the way of that right. I assure you, finding another woman that you love, and can have children is not that difficult! Remember, the OP also alleges lies, deceit and suspected infidelity, so why are you only focusing on the love issue?

Chaircover -

Thanks for the link, but i know how PID develops, and that not all STDs show symptoms. However, if what you allege is true, that the man could have given it to her, then he would definitely have had symptoms before; because when STDs cause PID, there are 2 main culprits -  Gonorrhea and Chlamydia; 2 STDs that are quite symptomatic. There is no way his STD could lead to PID in his partner, before he shows any symptoms - not with the kind of STD in question. I hope this is clear.

Come on Romeo, we all know that women sometimes do not even know that they have contracted an STD

Err, if you have been faithful, then only your partner could have given it to you. The fact that we have no information about her reaction to his STD infection, says that she concurs with the fact that she gave it to him.

Whilst it is possible to have PID without a STD infection, we are commenting based on the facts presented to us. I find it laughable that we are questioning the veracity of those facts without any evidence that suggests otherwise.
The OP says he is on medication for the STD she gave him. That's is clear enough. Why should i disbelieve him, when it is his partner that has lied and deceived him. Remember, he also confirmed she knew about these things before, but kept it from him.  Did you guys read his post properly?
We are here to comment on the facts as it is presented to us, not to make unfounded assumptions.

After all said and done, The poster is right to leave the woman now cos he cant be relied on or trusted to see her through any unforeseen issues that she may find herself going through during the course of the marriage.

This statement is disingenuous, as these issue were not unforeseen. She knew about them before, but did not disclose them to him.

Romeo4real:

If it is the strongest reason for him, that's his choice. It does NOT mean he does not love her. The same way love could be the strongest reason for a woman choosing to marry a lying philandering man. That's also her choice. This is my point. You cannot argue that one is more valid than the other.

just confirming what i have been saying all along. . . . . . . . . .  . .ok let me rephrase that so we can all agree on this matter:
the strongest/most important reason for this guy to marry this gal was childbearing and, when that was gone, not even his "love" for her could keep the marriage proceeding.

everyone has the right to decide what is their priority in marriage.