Very Long Story!

I have been experiencing Limerence towards a close family friend since my adolescent age,  that will be about 20 years now.  I got the definition of Limerence from wiki,  hopefully, this will help in guiding you with your advice,

Limerence is a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached or even obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings, but not primarily for a sexual relationship (although it can further intensify the situation). The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe a near-obsessive form of romantic love. Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or is colloquially known as a crush, but in reality it is something much different. In common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated.
According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: a) limerence, which she describes as (inter alia) "loving attachment"; and b) "loving affection," the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children. Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the lineament object towards the individual. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love, even to the point of addictive-type behavior. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone. Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by nonlimerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.

The 3 ways to come out of Limerence.
1. Consummation - After a relationship is established with your LO, uncertainty slowly disappears, and the rose colored glasses come off. At that point, limerence either slowly dies and is replaced with a lasting love type bond, or you see flaws that you didn't see before that leave you holding your previous LO in a less positive light,
2. Transference - You trade in limerence for him for limerence for someone else.
3. Starvation - When all hope (conscious and subconscious) is gone, limerence eventually fades away. This can take a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time. The average is apparently around three years, but it can take decades or Life time



Advice.
As you all know,  this is a mind issue, its been my secret because I can't really share it with my siblings or other friends because it could complicate the whole matter and get to my LO. Am currently in a support group of people with similar issue. Something that was  brought up in the support group was disclosure to the Limerent Object (crush).  If my desire is to end this torment of limerence and refocus on my marriage and family, and if I make that clear in your communication, then perhaps contacting him could be helpful.But this are OYINBO PEOPLE, I want to share with naija people because of our cultural background.

1. If you were my Limerence object (LO), Would you want to hear this from me, would you appreciate it or think very badly of me.
2. Should I keep this secret and just continue with the starvation.

Am sorry that this is very long,  the hope is for me to release this mind issue some how,  get it out of me like a therapy to help me move on,  thanks for being a part of that,

@OP,yea very long story,please do permit me to finish eating my Chinese and let it digest with ease.

Dis one na novel,brb.

poster.
i can't believe you want me to read that.

I tried reading that and after the third line the words on the page started dancing. OP,kindly give us a shorter version.

Dis one na punishment

Pls don't be compelled to read it, I know peoples fellings towards long stories, that is why its stated at the top of the story. If long stories are not for you, kindly disregard .

Lol@dancing.

mine started dancing right from the first of the sentence,i couldn't even concentrate any more.@Atreides

Tnx Omolola, This issue is very dear to me, I don't feel i'll be doing any justice by posting a 2 liner and expect to get a candid advice.

U are already married,wat gud will it do if u tell him now. Pls let go & enjoy ur marriage.

Mygoldie:

Lol@dancing.

mine started dancing right from the first of the sentence,i couldn't even concentrate any more.@Atreides

. . I really tried to read it but i just couldn't concentrate.
@Omolola thanks for giving us the somewhat condensed version.
@OP,so what you're saying is you've been having feelings for a family friend for the past 20 years and now you're both married?

Do u think if u tell him u might stop having the feelings for him? Thats when it would matter.
If u think telling him will make u stop loving him, its OK then go ahead and tell him. It doesnt matter whether u are married or not. I mean having a crush for sm1 for 20yrs and not letting him knw, are u kidding me?
Yeah! I mean all u need do is tell him dat ' I knw am crazy to tell u what am abt to tell u bt I hope I'll feel better after telling u cos its a secret I hav kept within me for 20 yrs. Im not saying u shld cheat on ur wife neither do I want to cheat on my husband, I just want to let u knw so that possibly wht I feel 4 u will die away, ( then u go ahead and tell him )
Just be cool abt it and believe me u'll feel better afterwards.

N.B: Dont die (neither shld he) until u tell him.

I think you should just find a way to kill that crush now.

Both of you are married already and I don't see any good that would probably come from you telling him or not at this point.

Iaf similar xperience.just learn to forget about it

Believe me

From reading through all the post that gave suggestions,  so far people a leaning towards option two. "2. Should I keep this secret and just continue with the starvation. ". Please I need more opinions, more pls.

,

@LO4yrs
I see you really need to get this off your chest. I would suggest you tell him but in a way that doesn't make you come of as a stalker.

How do I hear you say? Here's what I'd do if I was you. I'll establish an on going conversation on something like facebook where we'd talk about everything then steer it to reminiscence of some past shared experiences making sure to inject some humour. While that is going on I'll just come out with it that you won't believe that at that time I was praying you'd marry me. Now you'll see the advantage of the humour and conversation, he will just laugh and probably just play along cause while it might be a shock the humour and the reminiscing would have taking the edge off. Now it's just two old friends gisting.

I've been in your shoes before and while I don't know if mine was as strong as yours I know that it was intense enough to want to marry her and this was someone I was related to albeit distantly. Disclosure in a humourous and friendly conversation was part of my way to overcoming those feelings and also accepting that it was pointless was another ingredient.
Your piety should help but I sense it might be hindering you. I think so because you seem to use it as a mask. Stop. Stare this thing in the face and say I know what you are and I accept you and now it's time to say goodbye.

Listen to me!!! Well you don't have to. But if the support groups tell you to tell him. Tell him, maybe they have experience. I personally think that telling him will stop the torment in your mind of will it have ever worked. Since you have said he is deeply religious and you are not the cheating type, chances are you both won't be playing hop scotch in each others bed. Also tell your husband if he is understanding and see if he can help you with this issue. On the last part. . . I am not married so if you think telling your husband will be bad for your marriage then don't. Most importantly pray about it.

.

Lord_Reed:

@LO4yrs
I see you really need to get this off your chest. I would suggest you tell him but in a way that doesn't make you come of as a stalker.

How do I hear you say? Here's what I'd do if I was you. I'll establish an on going conversation on something like facebook where we'd talk about everything then steer it to reminiscence of some past shared experiences making sure to inject some humour. While that is going on I'll just come out with it that you won't believe that at that time I was praying you'd marry me. Now you'll see the advantage of the humour and conversation, he will just laugh and probably just play along cause while it might be a shock the humour and the reminiscing would have taking the edge off. Now it's just two old friends gisting.

I've been in your shoes before and while I don't know if mine was as strong as yours I know that it was intense enough to want to marry her and this was someone I was related to albeit distantly. Disclosure in a humourous and friendly conversation was part of my way to overcoming those feelings and also accepting that it was pointless was another ingredient.
Your piety should help but I sense it might be hindering you. I think so because you seem to use it as a mask. Stop. Stare this thing in the face and say I know what you are and I accept you and now it's time to say goodbye.

Had you lost contact with the distant relative? I recently learned about Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA), for a study I was doing on weird medical issues. It like Limerence is extremely intriguing to me.

@savannah
No, we live in same city. However as I've said I've dealt with it and am no more experiencing limerence (or GSA), thank you

Lord_Reed:

@savannah
No, we live in same city. However as I've said I've dealt with it and am no more experiencing limerence (or GSA), thank you

Well if you say you were never separated for a long period during childhood then its not GSA

.

@ This is a no joke, I don't even wish this on my worst enemy. Note that am not stalking him , bearly talk and can go years without seeing each other.

LO4yrs:

@ This is a no joke, I don't even wish this on my worst enemy. Note that am not stalking him , bearly talk and can go years without seeing each other.

@Lord_Reed/Savanaha, The problem here is that its not adviceable to be having contacts with LO, I don't communicate that often with him. If I try to contact him too much, it won't be healthy to me and may look to him like I have further intention/interest in him, plus he is married, I respect that. Most Limerent people I know from the support group (ones that have good intentions) keep the no conact thing going. If you look at it, you already have this intense feeling you are dealing with and thinking of, why border to communicate , it will only give you false hope, But I do agree with you, most that do disclose are very cautious on how they do it,
As for my hubby, am not comfortable telling him only because we've been married less than 10yrs, I don't want this to be something he holds on to when ever we have marriage issues, I want us to be able to resolve our marital issues for what they are ,

Would severing every single contact including Facebook help you?

LO4yrs
As I said I don't know how intense yours is compared to mine but I don't think burying your head in the sand is helping you. You've already done that for 20 years yet you still struggle with it why not bring it to the light and let it go?
Am not advocating constant communication, a few friendly back and forth do you remember so and so messages on facebook can not be the basis of a stalkerazzi wierdness.
Really I think its unhealthy for you to keep hiding from this thing. Thank God you are open to speaking about it or else it would just mess with your psyche and you won't even know.
Anyway since you can pray then I guess you'd do well to pray it out.
Face it pray it out get rid of it. Stop nursing it like a 20year old baby.

Hmmm. At least, i learnt a new word today. Thnx gurl

I have always maintained that if you feel for anybody, you better tell him or her as soon as you can. I know how painful it can be to love someone and not tell the person for the fear of how it might sound.

When you find the person with someone else, you'll wish you did not hesitate. But if the person no gree, you find another one.

Poster, I'll advise you concentrate on your marriage and family. Even if the person felt so for you, there is nothing he can do about it now, 'cos both of you are married now.

PS: If I were your LO (or whatever you call it), I'd really need to hear it from you now. Maybe a platonic relationship (with me) will help you cool off.

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