I really cant overemphize the importance of praying very well before choosing a partner. Of course its important for men to do the same but we all know they are at an advantage when it comes to matters like these. Many young girls today might not understand how critically important it is to avoid falling into the wrong hands. Sometimes i`m reminded of david who when he had to make a choice, choose to fall into God`s hands and not man`s. Seriously, i dont usually get involved in these matters but i think someone has to.

It`s a religious topic, not a romantic one per se. I`ll post more later. Also. Overemphasize, not overemphize.

it is not realistic to simply go into a relationship on impulse.



- take time to study the man first. You may be surprised to find the initial love glow may fade somewhat after you get an inkling of what his actual character is.

now, i'm not saying this is what will happen, but you need to know what you're getting yourself into.




-when you're young, it's normal to see your crush through rose coloured glasses. But how does he see you.

Remember the previous point. If, for example, he does not respect your feelings and opinions but runs roughshod over you at every opportunity, consider it a warning bell.

-How does he talk about his old girlfriends. In the nigerian context, this is very important.

It's difficult, but take a few cues from his mannerisms when discussing these issues.

Now, if the man has had a string of say over five girlfriends since secondary school while you cant match that same number, or have had no boyfriend at all, then maybe, just maybe, he's too worldly-wise for you?





ok, some positives now:


- is he godly, God fearing.

crucial- if you are a simple girl with no wahala, do not and i repeat do not, risk getting entangled with an ungodly man. Note: somebody being in church everyday doesnt mean he is godly.


if however, you've been living on the wild side yourself, then rock on.

- if 100% 95% of your conversation revolves around sex alone, big problem.

He may be doing that to distract your attention from the fact that you have little in common. Or simply from force of habit.

either way, take note, especially if you have little or no experience in these matters,


Of course you'll discuss sex every now and then, but it shouldnt be all the time. The point here is can he stand you without sex.

_{more on sex later, when i get some info.}

now, about sex.


- culturally, some couples have sex while they're courting. More on this later.



The risks involved include

1. if you get pregnant, even if the man decides to go ahead and marry you, you cant prevent the people in the church from talking.

back in the olden days it was common to see brides in a white wedding gown with a heavily bulging tummy. Five to seven months along.

these days, it is not, what with the advent of easy access to birth control, i assume. More on that later.



2. again with pregnancy, the child involved might still add two and two together later on, and wonder why s/he is older than the marriage. That's a possibility. You'll have some explaining to do.


3. Some families will openly tell the fiancee they must see a pregnancy before the wedding date. Ostensibly, this is to verify the woman's fertility. Personally, i feel it's mainly that and also an excuse to fantasize about the couple getting their freak on. Pardon my language.


4. And of course, the issue of mutual attraction. aka cant wait syndrome. More on this later.

5. Abortion, either to save face, or because you're not ready for a baby, or the pregnancy was unplanned. Your pick.

6. Associated health risks with the above, especially if you're in nigeria. Mental health risks, if you're not.

let's move on to stereotypes.

In nigeria, stereotypes are a given, and a fact of life.

there's a lot of ethnic nationalism and most of us have been exposed to our parents' or hometowns' preferences about who to marry. Many will still go against the grain anyway and marry who they like, but

1. To what extent should profiling be considered when choosing a partner. eg people from broken homes, polygamous families, sickness, etc.

2. Are the stereotypes to be believed, ignored, or simply understood.

3. will they or wont they turn out to be true.


_{to be continued.}

evryday i wait patiently on God anticipating Him 2 bless me with my right spouse.

Tpiah your views are lopsided. It takes two to make a rlshp work and it takes two to destroy it.

Fact is, pray before choosing a patner.
No marriage is perfect, so don't even bother about your dream marriage. It won't happen. Your dream mr/mrs right is not existent.
If you had a boy/girlfriend in college whom you love and with whom you've been in a rlshp for yrs and you believe u r compatible, may be, just may be, that is the best person to marry. You already know each other for yrs.
Bf/gf is not de same as marriage. Even courtship and marriage are different. Married friends have told me from their experience that once that ring is there, something inexplicable happens.

What if it's the girl that has had a string of boyfriends? Marriage is not a competition. U say if he has had a strong of gfs and she can't match that number, so she should relax if she had an equal number of bfs or more?

Steroetypes matter. You don't want a marriage that would alienate you from your loving family members. For instance, in igboland there is something called osu. I'm sure there are a couple of threads about it here in nl if you want to know about it. I won't marry an osu. No matter how much I love the person. I'm not prejudiced but I won't want to destroy a lifelong and confirmed loving union with my family just bc of a rlshp with a girl that may even be over in two yrs. It's always good to marry whom your family approves. If you love the person too much then try to convince ur family first. But don't marry without their consent.

The problem is not getting married but remaining in marriage. What are u going to do when the marriage goes sour? Break up? Revenge? Cheat? Homicide? That is the true test of marriage. The old testament is littered with painful marriages. But many great men of God, some of whom had difficult marriages, remained married.

In a failed marriage, sometimes it's the man's fault. Sometimes it's the woman's fault. MOST times it's the fault of BOTH partners.

Tpiah your views are lopsided. It takes two to make a rlshp work and it takes two to destroy it.

@pres elect

the thread is specifically aimed at young women who are considering relationships.


it's not meant to be a oneupmanship on which gender makes the worst partner.

i understand what you're saying and might open a different thread for the men later, if necessary.


this one is just for young ladies who might not know what to look for in a partner. On the internet there are so many different types of people interacting with one another and it's easy for a young girl to get carried away by what seems to be a dangerously attractive guy who seems like james bond a la movie mode.

Steroetypes matter. You don't want a marriage that would alienate you from your loving family members

will be back to address this.

i have to think about some of these things first before posting.

Stereotypes

How do you handle the issue of stereotypes when dating.

Generally, people tend to have one or more of these approaches:

1. stereotypes don’t matter.

2. well, that might be true of maybe 99% of his/her people, but my SO is one of the minority 1% exception to that rule.

3. bring it on!!

4. no, I cant deal with this.

5. I could have dated the person anyway, but I don’t want to hurt my family, who are also important to me.


There’s actually no right or wrong answer to issues like these, really. The question is what do you, as an individual, consider as a priority in relationships. It depends on your personality and worldview, both of which will determine how subjectively you will see these things. Prayer cannot be overemphasized here, like I mentioned before.


However, a few rules of thumb one could go by are

1. if the stereotype turns out to be true to differing extents, how do you think you could handle it. That is, is it something that you could cope with and which would not be overly upsetting.

2. Do you think you could adapt to whatever it is. If that’s difficult to do, then there’s a problem. Have a heart to heart talk with your object of interest and discuss these things. Guage his reaction and answers.

3. When the honeymoon phase is over, what happens next.

the problem with stereotyping is the 50-50 chance the relationship will or wont succeed.

ie for every horror story about the dangers of ignoring the stereotypes, there is also a success story about the dangers of letting someone go because of the stereotypes.

so, to be or not to be, that is the question.

this is where personality, family and worldview come into play.

Catching up on the "laters":

culturally, some couples have sex while they're courting. More on this later

first of all, SEX DOES NOT DETERMINE OR GUARANTEE COMPATIBILITY. I need to state that first.

yes, we all know for many, sex is the major yardstick a relationship is based on. However, there is practically nothing more risky then building a relationship on sex alone.

For those practicing regular booty calls [excuse my language] and one night stands, they seek nothing more in a relationship besides sex, but such people would need to be on a different thread, not this one.


So, what exactly is wrong with a courting couple having sex, many ask? It's not so wrong if they're both going to get married anyway, and arent playing the field.

^that's the general consensus for those in this lifestyle.

personally, i feel this is a tricky situation or question, because it's actually not easy to hold your feelings that long, especially if you know this is the person for you, and have no doubts about that.

We all have the standard theological theories which were drummed into us at one time or another, but when the chips are down, and no one is looking, not many people would pass the litmus test during courtship.

If you have pragmatic friends or family, they'd be asking you if you're sure your fiance isnt impotent or something like that, if he decides not to touch you before the wedding night.


If he feels he cant wait until then before having sex, while you would prefer otherwise, then what should you do? Give in or hold out.

again, people might drum into your ears the "fact" that if he's not getting it from you, he's probably going to get it elsewhere.


true or not, that's a punch well below the belt and not many women would hold out after being put on this kind of guilt trip. Not to mention fear.

possible solutions:

1. move the wedding date forward. Or do a registry wedding while you're waiting for the big day.

of course this isnt necessarily good advice and many would disagree with it, but i feel we're all human and should occasionally make allowance for that fact.

2. hope/pray the man will change his mind and cool bodi temper. Yes, it can happen?

3. a. give in. After all, you're practically married anyway. This also leads us to the question- can a couple have sex after the traditional introduction or engagement.

my opinion is yes after the traditional engagement and legal paper [ie court wedding].

4. avoid being alone with your partner until after the wedding.

love at first sight is an interesting concept which has made many millionaires.

the idea being you meet someone for the first time and immediately fall in love.

love here referring to the butterflies in your tummy feeling, your thoughts completely obsessed with the other person to the extent that you can barely function, and an intense longing and desire to be with the man or woman in question.

I cant deny this happens, and i think the question of how to recognize love as opposed to infatuation, is a topic for another day.

few facts about the phenomenon known as love at first sight:

1. This is an experience you will probably have more than once and not necessarily with the same person.

yes, a sad fact but true.

much as we'd like to believe there's only one bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh, human nature is famously fickle and often people are themselves surprised to find out this is the case.


2. Intensity of emotions does not in itself guarantee authenticity [or longevity] of those same emotions.

another sad fact. Women tend to be more on the receiving end here.  The man who declared his undying love, suddenly says [or does] the opposite, and you wonder what happened. How could he have cooled so fast- was it juju or something. [not saying it couldnt have been, but not always].


my point is the fact that a man seems to be intensely in love with you, does not mean he could not still feel those same emotions for someone else. Key word here is emotion, which of itself is NOT a sure enough guarantee of a man's love.


3. Love at first sight is a wonderful feeling, but remember feelings are a pendulum which can be swung either way, and from one extreme to the other. Fickle love often starts to depreciate rapidly from the moment of first impact [so to speak]. Most often after sexual encounters. A more solid love on the other hand, grows steadily or at least remains steady [like a plateau] over time. Unfortunately, quite a few people will get married on the strength of their initial feelings alone- rather risky but well, what's life without risk.


however, sometimes love can also be a yoyo, alternating between attraction and dislike. Many long term relationships actually seem to be this way, imo. However, if the feelings swing too much either way [especially with long periods of intense hatred or dislike, then that's not good. Or if, for example, the time spent disliking each other overshadows anything else, then the sex cannot make up for that, no matter how good. Speaking generally here- doesnt mean i'm advocating alternative lifestyles.

now after all that, should love at first sight be considered a genuine emotion to build a relationship with.


it depends. You can build a relationship on it, but dont assume just because it happened, that alone will see the relationship through.

it wont.




_{**more to come later**}

To what extent should profiling be considered when choosing a partner. eg people from broken homes, polygamous families, sickness, etc.

1. Broken homes

in nigeria, this is a very serious issue most times, when choosing a partner. Most regular families do not like the idea of their children or relatives dating or marrying someone from a broken home.

The general consensus is people from broken homes, make unstable and unreliable partners who will also end up breaking their own homes.

Now, when you're attracted to someone, all these things do not seem important. So exactly how crucial are they, really?

Before answering that question, we have to look at the effect of a broken home on a child, in the nigerian context. Nigerian context because these issues are viewed differently in nigeria, and the effects are also different compared to what obtains in the western world.

wbb

also of interest:

Matchmaking.