CapitalBank:


OKAY, these are his qualities that you like I presume.



Frankly speaking, this is a red flag and a sign that he is not really interested in the relationship as much as you are, thereby leading to a one-sided relationship where one party does most of the work.

It is also a sign that you are more invested in the relationship than him. The one who is more invested gets hurt the most. All those reassuring are just excuses, nothing more.

If someone is not making effort or investing a little effort, then they are not really interested in you.



Exactly. It makes you feel desperate and needy because you want to keep a relationship that they themselves are not interested in.

I had a similar experience not too long ago and like you, she was reassuring me that it is not what I am thinking, that she is busy... BUT she never initiates a convo or chat.

She attended some parties at night within this period ooo. I have no problem with that.

This went on till January this year when she didn't reply to my Happy New Year text/SMS. I had to check up on her on WhatsApp and asked to hope everything is fine. I did that because we hadn't chatted for almost a month prior to that and I was genuinely worried something may have happened to her..

Like I said, if I do not reach out, I don't hear anything from her. So she replied to my WhatsApp message that she saw my SMS, wished me a happy new year in return, and told me she is on transit. Mind you between when I sent that SMS and when I buzzed on WhatsApp was over 4 hours.

That was it for me. She had been doing hers subtly but I went head-on and said since this is how she wants it, I have decided not to sustain a relationship that she has quietly existed from. I told her if no one reaches out to the other and the relationship dies, so be it... I said a lot and towards the end, I told her to delete all my numbers from her phone.

She tried to pacify me and calm me down and at the same time, tried gaslight and guilt trip me lol. That was the last from me sha...

A few weeks after that, she buzzed me (something she hadn't done for months) to check up on her. I responded but didn't grant her audience beyond that. In fact, I deleted that chat the next morning or the same day. I cant remember.

In between all these complaints, she said erm... we can still be gisting. Same gist that she does not initiate? I just told her sure, if she brings the gist to make her know I understand her mind game. It simply means, dude if you reach out to me, I will respond but don't expect me to reach out.


Even if you wait for 1 year, he will not reach out because he is not really interested.

Lol, I did this too but slowly. It took time but it worked... What I did was delete ALL her pics, delete everything about her, including our chats...

What I will suggest is, to let him know you know what's up and most importantly, if there is another guy somewhere that is showing interest in you, better give him a chance and stop hoping on this one.

When the signs were becoming obvious, I had to borrow myself sense and gave other ladies access to me and eventually settled with one. The one whom I wasn't even expecting much from has turned out to be much more valuable than the one above, The new girl prays with me and sends me online live prayer programs every morning. A few days ago, I missed one and she told me she prayed for me.

When I traveled home to the East for burial, she kept bugging me to know what's up , she wants to know how my day was going, whether I have eaten, if we had completed the rites, etc.

When someone is genuinely interested in you, it comes effortlessly and without stress. Only stay with someone that wants you in their life and is at least making visible efforts.

The reason you are tied to this current one despite not getting anything meaningful from the relationship is that you have a scarcity mindset.

Have an abundance mindset cos it helps. At a point, I had to tell the other girl that I am dating someone else already when she tried to make it look like I was bugging her, which surprised her lol.

The idea that you can't let go is just mindset. Learn to trick your own mind to favor your life. Our minds can become our prisons when we do not realize this. Deleting everything about him is a starting point to tricking your mind into forgetting him.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

chocolateme:
hmmm... I am very speechless right now.. its as if you know everything I am passing through here. Your experience is exactly a carbon copy to mine. I am scared right now because I have to follow your lead. I can't believe I am going to take this step and end it this way.

luminouz:


Hold dafuq up.

I'm not one to comment on relationships but think twice before following that guy's lead. Is your bf an exact carbon copy of his ex-gf? You said he had very good qualities but you are worried you always initiate the chats and calls? So what? Has he ever given you a reason to doubt him by not replying your calls or texts like that guy's ex-gf?

In all my relationships sis, I have never been the calling or always chatty type. So once they understand me, they don't mind chatting or calling me first, because I told them,I'm naturally like that. Since I'm real and raw, I don't need to pretend to be who I'm not. Any girl I don't like is whose chats I will never read or reply and her calls go unanswered. But as a girl, if you are the type that bases affection on numbers of calls or chats from a guy, you'd have a problem with me.

From what you posted, that your bf doesn't look exactly like that guy's ex-gf!!!! At least, not in my opinion

chocolateme:
I sent you a mail

Mrforexlord:
now i understand the girl is looking for marriage, desperation for Marriage can appear as love to female genders on most cases ( confused genders ) ,when you marry them they will turn to tiger. if another guy declares interest in marriage the love will disappear that same day �

Mrforexlord:
now i understand the girl is looking for marriage, desperation for Marriage can appear as love to female genders on most cases ( confused genders ) ,when you marry them they will turn to tiger. if another guy declares interest in marriage the love will disappear that same day �

Sammy101111:
I was in this kind of shit hole before but i thank God am out
Me and my ex started dating fine if i dont text her a day or call her she will not sleep sometimes when she at home lonely she will beg me to come online we should chat we should send voice note. Most time am always at work busy she will call me i will call her back.Any time i collect salary i call my woman give her money to buy food stuff at home for me because she spends most of her weekends with me . The day i can never forget i met my ex through her friend. So one day she kneel down begged me started crying that if i leave her she will kill her self or do something crazy that now she left all past life and bad memories and create a new life with me i told her not to worry i pet her she smiled cooked that day. From that day i even improved more i started planning how to move from the house am staying as a bachelor to rent a new place we will just move in as couple after our marriage this year was the plan . on November i found out my babe was flirting with a guy i even challenged her i cried that night because she did not know the plans i have for her so i just lock up . she was the one at fault yet i still forgive her we still move on some weeks later she started giving me silly excuse she busy that is why cant call or text i was like babe you are busy okay oh sometime i will call her 5 times she will not pick or call she will call back the next day i started noticing she was seeing someone then i just exist my self from the relationship i stopped calling her or text her now we just use to view our status .but me i done move on

Sammy101111:
I was in this kind of shit hole before but i thank God am out
Me and my ex started dating fine if i dont text her a day or call her she will not sleep sometimes when she at home lonely she will beg me to come online we should chat we should send voice note. Most time am always at work busy she will call me i will call her back.Any time i collect salary i call my woman give her money to buy food stuff at home for me because she spends most of her weekends with me . The day i can never forget i met my ex through her friend. So one day she kneel down begged me started crying that if i leave her she will kill her self or do something crazy that now she left all past life and bad memories and create a new life with me i told her not to worry i pet her she smiled cooked that day. From that day i even improved more i started planning how to move from the house am staying as a bachelor to rent a new place we will just move in as couple after our marriage this year was the plan . on November i found out my babe was flirting with a guy i even challenged her i cried that night because she did not know the plans i have for her so i just lock up . she was the one at fault yet i still forgive her we still move on some weeks later she started giving me silly excuse she busy that is why cant call or text i was like babe you are busy okay oh sometime i will call her 5 times she will not pick or call she will call back the next day i started noticing she was seeing someone then i just exist my self from the relationship i stopped calling her or text her now we just use to view our status .but me i done move on

chocolateme:
hmmmm... This is really bad.. the same person that wanted you guys to be there for each other, what on Earth could have made her deviate? Is it financial restraint or what.
Truth is that, one has to be able to know himself or herself very well before entering into a serious relationship.. it is also important for a lady to have a means of livelihood and be contented with what she has so that no matter the challenges tomorrow, she will stay put.
It is well dear, atleast it wasn't you that deviated.
I have realized that when one gets into too many relationship from younger age, the person is bound to be promiscuous later. To many relationships is not good. At every slightest issue, you break up and enter another one plus the body count involved hmm. My dear it is well.

chocolateme:
thanks luminouz for advice. I will answer your questions honestly...
Yesterday, his eldest sis called me, we talked on a normal ground. She then asked me about me and him. Truth is that he hardly calls, he may call but will stay very long before calling unless it's important, even to his siblings the same thing. I am only hoping he can change, he chats but not often.
I made a mistake now, I have cleared my chats with him just now, I would have shown you something. He once got very angry with me over my constant asking him why he can't change and make effort to be calling always.
He told me that the respect and love he has for me that made him to continue respecting himself always despite the longevity of us been apart, that it takes him nothing to go out and look for any random lady to satisfy his urge. That he has a focus and goal and does not want any negativity that will pull down his destiny and future.
I have always known that he is not a woman person, he loves his work but then is it also to the detriment of my relationship with him? He chats me first every morning and after that, he hardly have my time unless it's important, it's only when I chat that he replies, I can ask him to snap himself and send to me that instant, he will quickly do it.
I am really confused. He shows me the affection and love but my only problem with him is "pick up your phone and call me".
What resulted to the reason we don't chat again now is that last 2 weeks, I got fed up with the morning checking up on me only and not calling, so I typed a long epistle to him, he got angry too after reading it. He asked me what is the meaning of this long write up, that he will block me if I send this kind of annoying messages to him again. I told him to block me that it's the same thing with not communicating always. I now told him to stop talking to me. That's how he ACTUALLY stopped talking to me imagine. Till now. I have decided not to talk to him too, I only want him to adjust small. Only to be going to view my WhatsApp status is all he does. .
Well if I chat him now, he will feel I am desperate so I won't do that.
He is not a party type, he drinks but does not smoke at all.
I am not happy at all thanks

Sammy101111:
I was in this kind of shit hole before but i thank God am out
Me and my ex started dating fine if i dont text her a day or call her she will not sleep sometimes when she at home lonely she will beg me to come online we should chat we should send voice note. Most time am always at work busy she will call me i will call her back.Any time i collect salary i call my woman give her money to buy food stuff at home for me because she spends most of her weekends with me . The day i can never forget i met my ex through her friend. So one day she kneel down begged me started crying that if i leave her she will kill her self or do something crazy that now she left all past life and bad memories and create a new life with me i told her not to worry i pet her she smiled cooked that day. From that day i even improved more i started planning how to move from the house am staying as a bachelor to rent a new place we will just move in as couple after our marriage this year was the plan . on November i found out my babe was flirting with a guy i even challenged her i cried that night because she did not know the plans i have for her so i just lock up . she was the one at fault yet i still forgive her we still move on some weeks later she started giving me silly excuse shes busy that is why she cant call or text i was like babe you are busy okay oh sometime i will call her 5 times she will not pick or call she will call back the next day i started noticing she was seeing someone then i just exist my self from the relationship i stopped calling her or text her now we just use to view our status .but me i done move on ..


But all i know is that if someone do me bad the person most surely regret . It is not easy in this country as a salary worker to maintain a girl friend when am not a yahoo boy i proveded for good 2 years and gave her enough . If she asked for 100% percent even if i dont have i give her 70% or 60% out of what she demanded last year was my first time crying because of a woman .I had save up some money for our introduction , for her own shop and a new apartment for us but i never told her it was meant to be a surprise i want to propose to her this year and she messed everything up

Michelle55:
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it.. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.
@Op, I think you should give this relationship of yours a break because, from the look of things, it's draining you emotionally and mentally.
For any relationship to work between two people, they have to be combined efforts and commitment to scale through. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting when it's one-sided.
Learn to take each day as it comes and if it's going to work out eventually between you two then it's destined to be.
What will be will be and whatever would crash at the end of the day would eventually crash.
Don't think it!
Don't push it!
Leave it as it is!

luminouz:

That dude is my twin brother!!! You just described me.
Sis, he even tried. Because I won't wake up first thing in the morning and be chatting you up with good morning upandan. I'm already out to hustle. And calling? Hell,I haven't called my own mother in a year, my dad in what, 3 years? What dafuq makes you think I would start calling my own gf every day? I no get work or something?

I think I understand your kind of person now...you are the type that loves being called often or chatted up first. You love the little poems in the morning, the checkup at lunch time and the super long pick-me-up calls at night. That's your kinda person. That he doesn't do all that doesn't mean he doesn't love you sis. The mistake many women make is thinking doing all that calling and chatting is a man's proof he loves you but nah! He could be fuqin some bigass bitches everyday and dump you for them later on. What you need is to understand his nature and adjust. If you really can't, then break up with him because that dude is most likely a physical person, not the OTA(over the Air) type that loves chats and calls. You went to spoil it by threatening him via your long text to change and all that. How can you change him when all his family members know he is not the calling or texting type? What you should advocate more for is his physical presence because guys like him or me, value physical presence more than calling or chatting. If he can see you more often, you'd know he cares for you. How do you think our mothers and fathers coped when there were no internet or phones?

I just told you I have dated women who complained but had to adjust their schedules to fit my natural impulse and they didn't feel 'desperate or less womanly' because they did that. So calling him first or chatting him up first do not make you desperate for fuq sakes. If it makes you happy, why not do it and stop torturing yourself ehn? This life is very short sis, to be unhappy for too long. Sometimes I wonder why humans have so many restrictions. If it's not race, it will be gender or tribe or religion or denomination or language or status or some other shiit. Before you know it, you are old and death is knocking. In my relationship, What mattered most was that I honestly wasn't pretending about my nature and I value ladies, in my own way. The only threat was if I don't answer your calls,don't call back, don't reply your texts and don't text back.

I have tried for you sis. I normally don't put mouth in relationship matter but sometimes what we want ehn, we already have. We won't know the value till we lose it.

One love

Michelle55:
If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it.. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.
@Op, I think you should give this relationship of yours a break because, from the look of things, it's draining you emotionally and mentally.
For any relationship to work between two people, they have to be combined efforts and commitment to scale through. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting when it's one-sided.
Learn to take each day as it comes and if it's going to work out eventually between you two then it's destined to be.
What will be will be and whatever would crash at the end of the day would eventually crash.
Don't think it!
Don't push it!
Leave it as it is!

CapitalBank:
God bless you oo. It is same thing I told her but someone adviced that my case and her mans is not same... when u look at it well, u will find out that adviser has similar characteristics as the man that she complaint about and he tried to justify her boyfriends attitude towards the relationship...

what she may not even know is that there actually humans who hardly love in this life... they will you that they are not the calling type, which is bullshiiit.

make i go remove my email jare.

StoicAdvisor:
Love is stress free, doesn't hurt, betray and does not puts you in doubt. Also, you dont sacrifice yourself when you're in love with someone. Always choose yourself first. The love you described is a one-way love, hence its a burden to the one that is doing the loving.

You can love someone without feeling hurt, only if you accept that loving them doesn't translate to possessing them. Your beloved must feel free, and not be burdened by your need to privatise him/her. Let them choose you in their own volition, and its okay if they don't. Be guided.

chocolateme:
why do you sound this way? I sent you a mail to the email you sent to me but you have not replied.
Why then are you sounding angry? Every one's opinion is very crucial to me and it is helping me now to balance my discretion as I weigh the possibility of what is going on in my relationship. Please don't take it personal and please reply your mail Thanks

chocolateme:
hmmm.. I feel as if you are toturing me with your words now because you are 100% right on what is going on in my relationship. I learnt a lot here and I am too speechless because you described the kind of person I am especially in that aspect of attention seeking.
What should I do now? I know that we don't have any issues in our relationship, it is only this that is my challenge. I can't possibly be calling him now suddenly.