My husband tricked me into marriage just to facilitate his trip to the UK, now I'm alone with his,

Bosede Olusola-Obasa


There has been an impressive in flow of reactions to the unfortunate tale of a failed relationship between Shola and his wife. The reactions are being withheld until readers have seen the concluding part of the story. The lady in the eye of the storm continues her story from where she stopped last Saturday.


My husband tricked me into marriage



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We left my parents' place and went back to Ibadan, but I knew that I was faced with a bleak future with Shola, seeing that he refused to give my parents any assurance of a change of heart. In 2005, things grew from bad to worse, and as a result, I became very sick because my mind was never at rest.

In spite of my condition, there was no care or love from the father of the child I was carrying in my womb. I had to struggle through the discomfort of the first trimester of pregnancy. The burden of a first time pregnancy, in addition to constant quarrels with Shola was too much for me. When I became very sick, I had to travel to Lagos to see the family doctor that attends to my parents. I thought that would do me some good since Shola would not bother or even take care of his pregnant wife. I was placed on admission at a Lagos hospital for one week, yet Shola failed to come and see me.

To my greatest bewilderment, by the time I had fully recovered and I got back to Ibadan from Lagos, I found that Shola had changed the locks to the entrance of our apartment, making it impossible for me to get into the house. I had to stay out with a friend until I could have audience with him.

On March 5, 2005, which was a Saturday, I found that Shola had put together all my belongings in the house, including my kitchen wares and taken them as far as to the front of my office building in Ibadan and dumped them there. He thereafter descended on me and tried to bundle me out of the house, but I insisted on not walking away from my matrimonial home. When he saw that I would not leave, he beat me up, I sustained injuries and even bled in my pregnant state.

By Monday morning, the news of how my husband came to dump my things in front of my office and how he beat me was everywhere at my place of work. That caused me serious embarrassment. In fact, it led to my boss eventually asking me to resign my appointment with the bank. Shortly after he threw my personal effects out of his house and I lost my job, I learnt that he had travelled out of the country to the United Kingdom. It then dawn on me that he only deceived me into the marriage because he knew that I was naive. All he needed was to lay his hands on a marriage certificate to facilitate the processing of his visa. This fact was later clear to me because before he left, he had collected the marriage certificate and rings from me. He told me sternly to assume that we never met. So, I was left with no home, no job and no husband.

http://odili.net/news/source/2010/jun/27/817.html

The impact of this incident was so heavy on me that I almost lost my life. I became very frail because I had been seriously battered. I suffered so much that I was always in and out of hospital. It was heart rending that I almost lost my mind to the experience. I really thank God for the people he used to help me out in the heat of my challenges. With the help of God through my parents who covered me with their blanket of love, and with the assistance of a Christian organisation, I gave birth to a baby boy in Ibadan on July 16, 2005.

Up till this moment, Shola has not returned to me. Nor has his mother or any member of his family deemed it fit to ask after the baby. This is very serious because I no longer have the contact of any member of his family. Shola had delibrately deleted all the numbers of his family members from my telephone before he sent me packing. To his understanding, that would totally cut me off from reaching any member of his family. I only remember that he used to have an uncle who worked with the Central Bank of Nigeria. I think he was a director or so. Some of the things Shola did then appear clearer to me now. Although I learnt that he has returned to Nigeria about three years ago, I still don't know his whereabouts. I don't know what went wrong with his desperate trip to the UK, but someone told me that he came back to Nigeria shortly after he left. One of my concerns is that my son will be five years old in July, but he does not know his father. I believe that by now, Shola should have settled down with another wife and maybe with children, but he has refused to come and see his son.

To make a brief diversion, there seemed not to be an end to my challenges. There was another ugly incident that further established my fears about men. It happened that sometime last year, I decided to file for a divorce from my marriage to Shola. I contacted a lawyer that was introduced to me by my neighbour, but he turned out as a fraudulent person. The lawyer asked me to pay half of the total sum that was charged for the case and I did, but he absconded after receiving the part payment. He later sent me a text message saying that he was no longer interested in the case. Meanwhile, he refused to refund my money. That was like an attempt to stop me from getting the divorce and moving ahead in life. I wonder if this is how some lawyers enrich themselves by cheating on prospective clients. I fear men!

To think that he had the liberty to decline on a case because he was no longer interested in it and yet refused to return the money to the client is quite amazing. Since that time, I have learnt to put the fragments of my life together and face the challenges of life with fresh strength and vigour for each day.

Now, to bring my story to a close, two years after my baby was born, I secured another job with a bank, but I lost it again during the recent mass retrenchment in the banking sector. Right now, I am in dire need of another job so that I can take good care of my son and live a truly independent life. I am not really in a good mood. I need help from kind-hearted individuals to get profitably engaged.

This lady desires to get along well again, and she is relying on the readers to make this happen.

This story ist very sad and unfortunatly quite a few men and women have to go through very hard times futher aggraveted by a bad relationship.
However one thing is certain. Your citizenship and marriage certifiate is hadly of any use to the man without your physical presence iin the UK. That is why I do not understand how he even got the visa or managed to hang out there for so long.
Secondly you did have a good job and I do not understand why you did not seek to migrate to the UK when things got very rough for you at least for some time till things stabilise.
You know as much as I sympathise with you I have to be honest with you. This ordeal you past through is really not that bad. Fine you had a child but you are still blessed with good health and you are educated. You should be in a position to help yourself without this public outcry for help. There are so many women and children out there with so many problems and conitions more desperate than your own.
I wish ou the best as you take your destiny in your hands.

Chaircover I wanted to be diplomatic, by not mentioniing that .
Really does a famly just throw a male child away like that? If a woman has been decent she should find some sympathetic ears in the family. I would never turn away a grandchild of mine no matter how much bitterness there is between the parents.

mutter:

Chaircover I wanted to be diplomatic, by not mentioniing that .
Really does a famly just throw a male child away like that? If a woman has been decent she should find some sympathetic ears in the family. I would never turn away a grandchild of mine no matter how much bitterness there is between the parents.

So male children in your opinion have more value than female children?. In other words, families do throw away female children like that?

[/quote]

mutter:

However one thing is certain. Your citizenship and marriage certifiate is hadly of any use to the man without your physical presence iin the UK. [b]That is why I do not understand how he even got the visa [/b]or managed to hang out there for so long.

'Am sure she doesn't know that, and she probably thinks the visa is automatic in Nigeria with a marriage certificate or the husband can just walk into the Home Office UK with their marriage certificate and get an Indefinite Stay just like that. It's obvious the husband got his visa on his own credentials.

[quote author=mutter link=topic=470165.msg6296209#msg6296209 date=1277715921]
Secondly you did have a good job and I do not understand why you did not seek to migrate to the UK when things got very rough for you at least for some time till things stabilise.

I would have gone back.

Certainly we can not deny that male children are responsible for carrying on the family name. Also the issue of inheritance. For that reason the extended family will certainly be more particular about that. With a girl there is a tendeny to belive that the girl would get married anyway and belong to another family.
Lets not look at this from the sentimental angle we are mostly Nigerians here and i think we do understand the implications. I did mention that I would never turn my back on a grandchild.
And to answer you question - sadly but true male children do have more value in Nigeria.

@ Mutter
Shame on you for calling yourself a woman! Geez,

raintree I think you need to learn more about the different cultures, customary and sharia law that prevails in Nigeria today before making such a comment.
Do you realise that some widows get kicked out of the house even as we speak in Nigeria today because they did not have a male child. That there are many cases of women living happily for years with a man who never had a male child. After the decease of the man a male child can come from outside and inherit everything.

Shame on you for not knowing the customs and laws of the land

You are strong. You will pull through this. You do not need to explain what happened or did not happen. Wickedness is not a mental illness and I have seen some very wicked people. It seems you married one. I am not going to kick you when you are down but I will tell you this DO NOT THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND SAY IT IS OVER. Your life only just began. You have a beautiful son and many lessons in life. Those lessons are what will take you to the next level. I have seen many people like you who have gone through so much adversity and blew everybody's mind with how far they came. Work on not being bitter. It will be hard but you need to do it for yourself. Everything will eventually fall in place if you focus on the positive. When the negative thoughts come back push them away and focus back on the positive. Make the goals and work towards achieving them. God is your strength and with him nothing is impossible

Mutter, I ain't Muslim. All these bloody customs and old traditions here and there are man made. You bow to it, you get sucked in by the so called male first female second dominion cum mentality. To me, you fit into this kind of mindset. I guess you would encourage any women to pop out tonnes of babies because it's her duty to produce one male child to carry the family name, huh!
Stand on your own two feet and make your own instead of relying on others to feed you, then you don't need to worry about being kick out of the home.
Mumu be your name!

mutter:

raintree I think you need to learn more about the different cultures, customary and sharia law that prevails in Nigeria today before making such a comment.
Do you realise that some widows get kicked out of the house even as we speak in Nigeria today because they did not have a male child. That there are many cases of women living happily for years with a man who never had a male child. After the decease of the man a male child can come from outside and inherit everything.

Shame on you for not knowing the customs and laws of the land

Only from illiterate women.

Aloy+Emeka:

Only from illiterate women.

GBAM!! thank you AloyEmeka!

What arrant nonsense!

Abeg, i dont know if your talking on behalf of Yoruba, ijaw or whatever tribe that follows that nonesense custom and tradition, but what i know and see with my EYES is in Igboland, whther male or female, if u wan throw way ur wife/girlfriend wey born pikin for you, Fine, BUT,
That man Must carry his Children whether u like am or u no like am, !

Male or FEMALE!! Its very rare for them to NOT take them!

As for the woman in the story, there is always 2 sides to a story, she should confess what she herself may have done,
The story get hole in it,

The guy could not have married her just for papers and throw her away like that! It Is a LIE!!!!
She MUST go with him to the Embassy and they do an interview together in order for him to even sniff the airport to leave for the UK,
The process is more complex than that,

The guy left for the UK with his own credentials, not at her advantage!
Unless she hasnt told the WHOLE story,

Furthermore, she would have had so many tell tell signs that this guy was looking for only 1 thing from her but still jumped in,

Abeg, i dont know if your talking on behalf of Yoruba, ijaw or whatever tribe that follows that nonesense custom and tradition, but what i know and see with my EYES is in Igboland, whther male or female, if u wan throw way your wife/girlfriend wey born pikin for you, Fine, BUT,
That man Must carry his Children whether u like am or u no like am, !

Yoruba men are notorious for not taking care of their child IF they dont want that child and mother. Too bad ethical morals/responsibility is not important anymore. Howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that which mutter speaketh is not our culture.

FL Gators:

Yoruba men are notorious for not taking care of their child IF they dont want that child and mother. Too bad ethical morals/responsibility is not important anymore. Howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, that which mutter speaketh is not our culture.

^^^U talk TRUE!
Its not in OUR culture, that why i put it in that manner if u catch my drift,

raintree I would educate myself more before blowing so much hot wind. The custom and laws vary from tribe to tribe in some more rigid than in others.
In the yoruba tradition the property is divided per stripes. In full sibling portions.
When a man dies his status as head of the family is passed on to the first son who becames administrator of his estate.
Which verifies what I say.
Incidentally this is a legal opinion and not laymans bullshit
What a shame that in this day and age where we Africans should cling on to our tradition with pride, some people tend to write it off as nonsence.
About me standing up on my feet,that is simply silly. Since you don`t know me you have no clue about my financial situation or my income but I can assure you I have always earned my own money

mutter:

Since you don`t know me you have no clue about my financial situation or my income but I can assure you I have always earned my own money

Save lots of it cost it is important in every woman's life.

money is important, but lot`s of it?
I am sorry you think that way.

mutter:

raintree I would educate myself more before blowing so much hot wind. The custom and laws vary from tribe to tribe in some more rigid than in others.
In the yoruba tradition the property is divided per stripes. In full sibling portions.
When a man dies his status as head of the family is passed on to the first son who becames administrator of his estate.
Which verifies what I say.
Incidentally this is a legal opinion and not laymans bullshit
What a shame that in this day and age where we Africans should cling on to our tradition with pride, some people tend to write it off as nonsence.
About me standing up on my feet,that is simply silly. Since you don`t know me you have no clue about my financial situation or my income but I can assure you I have always earned my own money

Which Yoruba culture are you talking about?

A "stray" son that has no connection with his father cannot just claim his father's inheritance.

Are you from Benin or Togo, boya culture ibi ni yen, awon yoruba po si be.

Mutter, good for you to be self reliant. You are as good as you think you are.
I like people who are smarter than me. Cheers!

FL Gators I can`t resist giving you something to think about even if it is totally off -topic.
Do you know why in some parts of the world Africans are regarded as primitive and backword?
One of the reasons is that we have abandoned our culture while clinging on to tribalisim.
What you need to do is study your culture, get to know it`s richness and values. Try to have an open mind to other cultures too.Turn away from tribalisim, or this rediculus belief that one tribe is superior to the other. In the world today nations are striving towards a global village, comming together to become stronger. That is the Idea behind the EU and other multinational govermental and trade unions. Yet we Africans are still dividing ourselves rather than uniting. Even in a country we have not been able to overcome this weakness. A house that is divided cannot stand.
We seem to be sleeping and it is this long slumber that has let the enemy in and now he would not leave, rather he has dominated us. Long ago some Africans where captured as slaves and had to work for their masters as filed and house slaves on their masters land. Today the master has possessed our land and we have all became slaves on our own land. This economic slavery is even more brutal and has cost so many lives- think about hunger, wars and lack of shelter and health care.
Besides the issue of a stray son,  You need to know that to every law there are exceptions and restrictions. This was a general break down and not a particular case study.

Raintree I am not smarter than you, maybe just specialised than you in this field. I am sure there are areas where I could gain a lot from you.

Chaircover I did mention that I would never turn my back on my Grandchild because the loveI have for that child would be the same male or female. I don`T value my kids according to their sex, if at all the girls are more usefull .
The issue of the male child was actually referring to the extended family. The fact is that they would feel inclined to put more pressure on the man to show interest in the child because it is a male.

As usual, the discussion has strayed from the OP's issue to focus on a comment another poster made. I, for one will not attempt to put it back on track, and will simply add my two cents to the new discussion.

It is Ok to mutter on (no pun intended) about the vagaries of culture/tribalism and its effect on attitudes in general today. It may be worthwhile to ask what the basis of these cultural and tribal norms were, and the potential benefits these edicts were supposed to have on the societies on which they were implemented, before we rush to consign them to the rubbish dump of history and time.
In fact, these so called relics of our culture DO have a place in our lives today. Most of them come from a place of morality, principles, integrity and an overriding desire to keep the family unit in a strong coherent bond.

Most African, Indian and Asian cultures(no surprise there), do value male children over female ones - for quite a simple and obvious reason. The male is the one that will carry the family's name and ensures it never dies out. In short, his lineage depends on him, solely, for survival.
Arguments about women carrying their maiden name into a marriage do not quite work the same. (1) It is usually an amalgamation of both names, (2), Even if she keeps her maiden name, it is highly unlikely the offspring of the union will do the same. They will usually bear the fathers name.
Moreover, having a male child is ensures the propagation of genetic lineage.

This is not an excuse for the frankly indefensible attitudes and practices in some countries regarding female children, but it goes some way towards explaining why thing are the way they are. "Culture" is not born out of thin air.

Romeo o Romeo, the next thing you would tell us is that Polygamy is morally, principally and culturally acceptable in the African context. You, pro male genes of all, abegiiiiii.

@raintree -

Romeo o Romeo, the next thing you would tell us is that Polygamy is morally, principally and culturally acceptable in the African context.

Polygamy has nothing to do with culture, principles or morals. It is simply a lifestyle choice. There are many polygamous marriages in the USA - the bastion of westernisation. It is perfectly acceptable for those who CHOOSE to practice it.

O Romeo, did I hear you say there are many polygamous marriages in the USA? As far as I know, polygamy is illegal there. Try it and let me know your case is an exception. It's definitely unacceptable to me and no, it's not the bastion of westernisation but of Islam.
Yerima and his gang would love you for joining their group.

u guys shld kip ranting abt the value of the male child.
Remenber there are so many aspects of these cultures u praise.
It supported the killing of twins,make women sleep wt husbands dead body,and a whole lot of inhumane acts.
i hope u will aslo try to find justufication for these things.i guess they are also moral and so on.
A situation where a woman builds with the husband den when he is deceased some one comes in from now eher and takes over everything i guess we shld all be glad for dat.
i am tired of people trying to defend such silly acts in the name of culture.
it makes no sense at all.

@ Ucheawesom
I have already replyed you in the other thread as regards the issue of twins etc. No society can exist without laws. Not all laws are morally intact but they have to be upheld to retain the system, till they are revoked. Why don`t you write the same thing about the laws partaining in the western world, they are even more babaric. You are indeed another product of brainwashing. The whole aim of the white supremacy is making you to feal inferior. Wake uo little sister

@raintree

O Romeo, did I hear you say there are many polygamous marriages in the USA? As far as I know, polygamy is illegal there.

Yes, you did. I never said it was legal - please read the post properly. Whilst it may be illegal, it is well practiced there, with the full knowledge of the authorities. The Mormons in Utah are well known for their polygynous unions. Also in Canada, whilst illegal, it is allowed for a Native Canadian province, but is also generally practiced elsewhere with the full knowledge of the authorities. The UK and Australia also recognise polygynous unions that have taken place elsewhere. Pls do your research before arguing.

it's not the bastion of westernisation but of Islam.

Ok, so the USA is the bastion of Islam? That's new to me. You obviously did not read my post properly.

Yerima and his gang would love you for joining their group.

Now this is a juvenile comments that adds nothing to the debate.