Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair - Family (5)

Welcome, Guest: Register On Nairaland / LOGIN! / Trending / Recent / New
Stats: 3,164,224 members, 7,856,906 topics. Date: Tuesday, 11 June 2024 at 09:01 AM

Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair - Family (5) - Nairaland

Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair (18950 Views)

I’m Sad! Mum Is Having An Affair Six Month’s After Dad’s Death’ / His Friend And His Wife Are Having An Affair! / Broken & Dejected: Found Out Wife Is Having An Affair With A Family Friend. (2) (3) (4)

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (Reply) (Go Down)

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by bukatyne(f): 9:34pm On Sep 15, 2012

coogar:

love and sex are 2 different things - only women put the 2 together as one. a cheating husband still loves his wife. most men don't even remember the names of the women they are sleeping with cos most of these extra marital affairs have no emotions attached. sex to most men is a physical expression like handshakes or hugs!

are u a christian? if yes, read 1 cor 13: 1-8. that's d definition of true love that God expects a man to have towards his wife and vice versa. if no, there are men who love their wives and don't cheat. watch this film 'i think i love my wife' by will smith (not too sure) and u'll c wat true love is. if a man truely loves a woman, he wouldn't want to hurt her in any way and every right thinking man knows that sleeping wit another woman even if it means nothing to him hurts his lover/wifey to the bone and wouldn't want to do that.

1 Like

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by bukatyne(f): 9:37pm On Sep 15, 2012

Johndoe100:

Hysteric fits? Just concern for one who I look at as a daughter. How is your mum? Been long we had a session. She still good at getting things done with men? She was very good at getting lots of things done with me. Anyway you must have misheard her, the voices were what she said she hears whenever I ram my cvck down her throat and her head bangs on the wall.......bang, bang. bang. bang. Kinda messes up your perceptions after a while. Anyway I think I will pay her a visit this weekend. Has she got a new set of false teeth yet? Nothing like a mouth with no teeth for some cool deep throat. Damn she is a trooper.....bang, bang, bang, bang. bang, bang, bang

for a man who claims to be a father, this is shameful! imagine hearing ur child repeatin these exact words of yours.

1 Like

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by maclatunji: 9:48pm On Sep 15, 2012

slimyem: everyone on this thread is saying forgive him..
...wondering what the comments would have been like if the op was a man whose wife confessed to him...
Fvcking double standards!!
Smh!

Sorry, get used to it. A woman can get away with hitting her husband but a man is not allowed to do the same. Responsible men, won't complain, just accept it and move on. Life's tough and sometimes we do have to take rubbish. OP has divorce as a choice but we all know it won't be easy on her. So spare her the drama!

3 Likes

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 10:26pm On Sep 15, 2012

The whole stuff looks like a movie in the making. Definitely, the last has not been heard about this issue.

It's unusual for your man to approach you the way he did but still argued with you over the issue. If a man could say such, it usually come with demonstrable remorse not back and forth argument over something he had admitted guilt. I have a feeling he's merely preempting a blackmail from the other woman.

I have a few suggestions for you:

1. Don't even talk about forgiveness except he reveals why he kept an affair for a year. Boys will always be boys but keeping an affair for a whole year is a different ball game. Men chat over ladies in clubs, call them Makalele, Messi, Ronaldo and even Aiyegbeni but we do know when to sell or loan a player. Knowing the reason might help you improve on any weakness if any or provide clues to look out for in future.

2.Don't keep it entirely to yourself. Put someone, especially your mum in confidence. Some parents have a way of giving a helping perspective to issue like this. They might even know or probably have been tipped off but dismissed such in the hope that all was rosy in your family. Let them know you still love him though.

3.It's not enough to have a great batty! Yeah, we always look out for it but what's important is what you can do with it. Don't wait for your husband's comment after "doing it", you should also ask if things could be better and at times insisted on trying a style you guys have never used. Let him know when it comes to that you are happy to do anything with him. Sex is powerful. There are so many horrible marriages that the only adhesive left is a good salacious sex.

4. The idea that you are entirely blameless does not hold water as far as I am concerned. Married men are sharp shooters! They obviously don't want a long term affair like a year that can pose a threat to their family or marriage. There is something or chemistry that sustains it that long and in most instances is a reflection of deficit or weakness at home. The more reason to know why he was in such a relationship for a long time. I am even amazed you did know until he became a storyteller.

5.Take your security seriously. You may not know the woman in question what if she knows you? Have you asked him to reveal the identity of the woman to you? If yes, what was her reaction? Don't joke with this for your sake and that of your children. You even need to know if the woman is married or one of these collective children of anger wearing "come and do it attire" everywhere.

6.My sixth suggestion is to ask myself what would I do if I were in your shoes? Fine, I can forgive one nightstand confession without a lot of rumination more so that he's the one confessing in this case. But one year affair requires knowing more details to be able to reach a pragmatic solution. If he's truly sincere here, the take home might be formulating a new set of rules to break walls you guys have erected between yourselves: have access to each others mail, phones etc. A truly remorseful man would easily give away those things he had considered "no go area" to reassure you of his seriousness.

7.Marriage is not a joke, it's a serious business. If you work together with him, you can resolve this issue and come out stronger than even before but a lot depends on his sincerity. Keep this in mind: don't ever believe your partner is perfect even for one second. We are humans but commitment is what matters. Remember Hillary Clinton is still married to Bill Clinton today: think about it.

2 Likes

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Adeolu60: 10:47pm On Sep 15, 2012

ekoboy:
You know what to do, but you choose to bring this matter to a faceless forum and think everybody will sympathise with you situation.

I'm not dumb, I'm a very smart lady and situations like this can make you clueless especially when you don't want to inform your family and that doesn't mean I can't ask for advice or opinions about my ordeal.

I dont think coming on a ''faceless forum'' to ask for people's advice is a bad idea.

And yes I need people's sympathy (are you relieved now?) since I didn't get any for a while even the therapist won't sympathize with me cos I'm still working on my marriage.

And please leave me alone ! I don't need another man making my life miserable and I want to eat my greasy depression food because I don't care!

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Hazeleyezz: 11:03pm On Sep 15, 2012

debrief08: Let me borrow MrJaybrowns 3 Cs; You didn't Cause it, You don't have the power to control it and you can't change it.
It hurts a lot, but first step, realise that it wasn't your fault. You didn't fail in anyway and "push" him to cheat. Whatever problem you had could have been worked out.
Secondly recognise that you can't change or erase what happened, you have to live with it
Third step, you didn't catch him, he confessed because he knew he made a mistake and is willing to stop and focus on your marriage.its hard to forgive and I know people expect you to "just get over it" but trust betrayed is hard to get back.
My advice is first stop blaming yourself, stop seeking for answers, it happened, if you are willing to let go then start with his help to rebuild love and trust. See why I have a problem with women who do things solely for the benefit of the man, if you had gotten the implants because you felt like it and not because you wanted to please him you wouldn't feel as bad as you do now.
People make mistakes, but when they are mature enough to own up and seek for a way forward I say they deserve a chance, you also hurt God everyday but God still causes sun and rain to fall on you, don't be like the servant whose debt was forgiven yet put his own debtors in jail for less.
Where I would have had a problem was if he was an unrepentant cheat but he is not, please pray to God for Grace and a forgiving spirit, its hard but its possible, also don't suppress your emotions, if you need to lash out, go somewhere quiet and lash out, if you need to cry go and cry. What you are doing is avoiding your emotions, you are scared of reacting so you won't do something that will aggregative the issue.
But when you react, if you are like me then the issue is over and done with and you can start rebuilding your relationship.
Best wishes

I sincerely agree!
Its not easy but he confessed. I respect him for that.
He could have equally ended d affair and not tell u afterall what u dnt know won't hurt but he chose not to hide it cos u are ONE!
Only the Holy Spirit can truly pacify u. Be open!!!

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 11:08pm On Sep 15, 2012

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 11:37pm On Sep 15, 2012

Is he putting in extra efforts to make the marriage work? He should be the one running around looking for answers on how to save his marriage.
To me, whether he confessed or was caught red-handed doesn't matter. No respect, no reward should be given to him.
A marriage contract has been broken. The culprit here has to put in much effort to restore the relationship.
His actions should determine whether he has repented or not and if the relationship is worth it.

1 Like

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Kobojunkie: 12:06am On Sep 16, 2012

Adeolu60:
And yes I need people's sympathy (are you relieved now?) since I didn't get any for a while even the therapist won't sympathize with me cos I'm still working on my marriage.

And please leave me alone ! I don't need another man making my life miserable and I want to eat my greasy depression food because I don't care!

Please stop suffering in silence. . . there is power in number, and right now you are fighting this alone. I think your mother will understand(assuming you have a good relationship with her at least).

Marriages can become hell holes if issues like these are not handled properly and you may not be able to do it alone. This man purposely chose to disrespect your marriage and if care is not taken, it might happen again.

You have a family, USE THEM to your advantage. Yes, I know that whole "MRS" badge is important to a lot of Nigerians but reality is we are all aware of what goes on behind closed doors and most times it is ugly so there is no need to be ashamed of revealing the truth especially when you did not cause the problem. If your husband had cared so much about the image of his marriage, he would not have defiled the marriage in the way that he did.

1 Like

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by cfours: 3:45am On Sep 16, 2012

you need to have a serious conversation with your husband and get to the bottom of the WHO?WHAT?WHEN?WHERE? AND HOW? of the affair.
the WHY? is especially important because it seems like you are blaming yourself for the whole situation. He should be able to give you a full explanation for why he cheated and also WHY the affair ended. something must have happened (threat of blackmail maybe?) and you both can use the information to help prevent this from happening again.

an affair for a whole year.. damn
I definitely won't be able to trust such a man ever again but how does a marriage survive without trust. you really have a whole battle ahead of you.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by EmmyDe25(m): 7:19am On Sep 16, 2012

jennykadry: I no fall for this one Lai lai

Readin from up, i actualy tot 4d record we are goin to hv a stainles thread, void of pple hu always take tinz 2b frivolous. Reread d story nd c 4ursef dat ds wasnt a story adapted frm a book. So if u cant help matas kick ur as* out. Tankx 4ur co-orporatn.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by adconline(m): 7:24am On Sep 16, 2012

Stop blaming yourself. You did not make him do it. He did it on his own, so do not share that guilty with him. If it took him that long to start, enjoy, regret, stop and confess his illicit affair, it's probably going to take you longer time to navigate that rocky road of trying to rebuild trust. It takes special grace to forgive and continue with someone who cheated on you. As a business person, it's hard for me to trust someone if she/he has disappointed before. When considering partners for any business venture, I'd always consider those who have earned my trust in the past. I guess marriage is different.

Just tell him that he's been given couch treatment as Hillary Clinton did to her husband when he cheated on her. If you have racked up vacay time and PTO, just take time off from your job. maybe travel with kids to any place of your dream. Visit a lot of friends and family who are not going to be nosy in your business since you have chosen not to tell them.

This is not the time to feel vulnerable that he might leave you for another woman. Experience has shown you that he can leave if he wants to, I'd also want you to feel that same empowerment that you can leave if you want to. Time to also extract enough concession from him for his behavior. Ask for a post-nuptial agreement, consolidation of all his financial accounts, IRAs, profit sharing accounts and investments into one, to be managed by you. You have to shut him down financially. Just shake him down financially for a role reversal if he's the one that pulls more weight financially. Make sure you put no cheating clause in the post-nuptial agreement, make it voidable or renewable after 10 years.
Finally, this is the time to take care of you and kids. Start putting money away in a separate bank/investment/mutual fund. ING and Co are at your beck and call.

Time to stand up and see that you got an opportunity that is f:ucking golden to repair and reposition yourself.

2 Likes

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by EmmyDe25(m): 7:26am On Sep 16, 2012

debrief08: Let me borrow MrJaybrowns 3 Cs; You didn't Cause it, You don't have the power to control it and you can't change it.
It hurts a lot, but first step, realise that it wasn't your fault. You didn't fail in anyway and "push" him to cheat. Whatever problem you had could have been worked out.
Secondly recognise that you can't change or erase what happened, you have to live with it
Third step, you didn't catch him, he confessed because he knew he made a mistake and is willing to stop and focus on your marriage.its hard to forgive and I know people expect you to "just get over it" but trust betrayed is hard to get back.
My advice is first stop blaming yourself, stop seeking for answers, it happened, if you are willing to let go then start with his help to rebuild love and trust. See why I have a problem with women who do things solely for the benefit of the man, if you had gotten the implants because you felt like it and not because you wanted to please him you wouldn't feel as bad as you do now.
People make mistakes, but when they are mature enough to own up and seek for a way forward I say they deserve a chance, you also hurt God everyday but God still causes sun and rain to fall on you, don't be like the servant whose debt was forgiven yet put his own debtors in jail for less.
Where I would have had a problem was if he was an unrepentant cheat but he is not, please pray to God for Grace and a forgiving spirit, its hard but its possible, also don't suppress your emotions, if you need to lash out, go somewhere quiet and lash out, if you need to cry go and cry. What you are doing is avoiding your emotions, you are scared of reacting so you won't do something that will aggregative the issue.
But when you react, if you are like me then the issue is over and done with and you can start rebuilding your relationship.
Best wishes

Oh my world! U just knockd me down wit d above. So on point.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by ekoboy: 8:38am On Sep 16, 2012

Kobojunkie:

Please stop suffering in silence. . . there is power in number, and right now you are fighting this alone. I think your mother will understand(assuming you have a good relationship with her at least).

Marriages can become hell holes if issues like these are not handled properly and you may not be able to do it alone. This man purposely chose to disrespect your marriage and if care is not taken, it might happen again.

You have a family, USE THEM to your advantage. Yes, I know that whole "MRS" badge is important to a lot of Nigerians but reality is we are all aware of what goes on behind closed doors and most times it is ugly so there is no need to be ashamed of revealing the truth especially when you did not cause the problem. If your husband had cared so much about the image of his marriage, he would not have defiled the marriage in the way that he did.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO TELL HER FAMILY. Time hopefully will heal her. Family would only make it worse. Imagine having somebody like you as a mother, is that not automatic divorce, and who will suffer eventually. She has a husband who has apologised, that means he is ready to change, work with that and you guys will have a good marriage. By apologising he knows you'll pay closer attention to him and that means cheating will become more difficult but yet he told you and apologised. To me thats a sign of a man that he is making consious effort to keep his marital vows. He probably needs you to support him to do that. Whatever you do DON'T TELL YOUR FAMILY.( By the way this is from experience. I've seen families wreck marriages. In the end everybody will go to their various homes. There is still a word like forgiveness, use it.(however difficult you think it is). Realise that it is a route that will give you long lasting joy. Don't think that you are doing it for him, rather you are doing it for yourself. Infact write out all your options, including not forgiving him and try to imagine the outcomes based on peoples life and experiences around you. Just make him realise you won't take it from him again and work with him to help your marriage.

1 Like

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by KINGwax(m): 10:03am On Sep 16, 2012

freecocoa: Amebor, who ask you? And >>>quoting immature comments to say they are immature is very mature?<<< Mstcheew, lubbish

maybe it's only me, but how does this make sense?

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Adeolu60: 10:05am On Sep 16, 2012

chaircover:

Sweetheart, please dont do that!. . . . It will take you 30 minutes on the treadmill to burn just 200 calories. A big mac and fries is 1050 calories, so it means you will work on that treadmill for just over 2 and a half hours to burn that off! Putting on weight now will also negatively affect your esteem during this very difficult and traumatic time.

When I am angry, I attack my housework. It will help to release your anger, you will have a cleaner house and it will tone up your muscles too

Thanks cc, I can't help it though , I' stuff my face with very greasy food everytime I'm trying to get over it.

I now know why I see a sudden change in some couple(I meant the wife's figure ) some men are destiny changers(EVIL!), I trusted him and he betrayed me.

I think I'm going crazy and I don't want to die now , I was referred to see a specialist for anti depressant on saturday (15th) and I just typed my leave of absence request letter ( approved ! I am the boss , its just a protocol)

I'm going away with my kids for a while to clear my head (they just started a school year anyways and it's not all about them , I have needs too!) I'm not going to Nigeria though, I just want to be alone!

I read some serious posts here and I realized I come first. I've been suffering inside alone since June and I noticed he's just looking more handsome cos he's lifted this burden on me! JESUS!

As for the finances, we are both CEOs and we take care of our stuff seperate , except our will and life insurance, kids college funds and our life savings has to be consented by me before any withdrawal of funds

and we don't have a prenup, Nigerians ( most I've met)don't do prenups, it's just against our morals and values, I'm not after anybody's money, I make mine in cold too.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by KINGwax(m): 10:08am On Sep 16, 2012

Kobojunkie:

How do you know he repented? How do you know he is not a serial womanizer? How do you know this is his first time? How do you know he has not found another woman since june?

why won't he find another woman since june, when his wife has refused to embrace him into her life since june? And besides, stop being a man-hater. Help the OP heal and stop fueling her doubts by creating scary but truthful situation

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by KINGwax(m): 10:11am On Sep 16, 2012

berem: abeg help me ask am o! I don't know if the man told him he just had an affair with one woman.men will always be men.polygamous in nature.smh for my fellow women.we don see whiiinn for man matter!

by your signature, you've chosen the wrong men and endowed wit the right disappointment. Besides, you're still a kid, channel your energy towards passing your exams in school. Marital advice is for the grown ups

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 12:08pm On Sep 16, 2012

KINGwax: why won't he find another woman since june, when his wife has refused to embrace him into her life since june? And besides, stop being a man-hater. Help the OP heal and stop fueling her doubts by creating scary but truthful situation

i knew that was what that girl was.... grin

i wonder why she hates men so much... undecided

one thing this OP shouldn't do is involve her family, except she wants the marriage to end.

and i wonder why the poster's husband didn't just make his peace with God.
and forget about confessing to his wife. dammit, now imagine all the trauma he is causing her

For crying out loud, if i make a dumb mistake as having an affair while married
that secret will follow me to my grave.
men should know what to tell women, and what not to tell them.

Lies don't end relationships, usually the Truth does.
Reality sucks men sad

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by masterpiecer(m): 12:33pm On Sep 16, 2012

Decryptor: Why do i have this feeling that the OP is no other than Mrs. Chima?

Me too

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by brownsug(f): 1:04pm On Sep 16, 2012

Adeolu60: I am a nl regular but I need to hide my identity to do this, I just went through a very heartbreaking news from my husband on our family vacation this summer that he has been in a relationship for almost a year and he just broke it and now it's over and he wanted to apologize for this.

My jaws dropped and I lost my appetite right away, seriously I am very sad right now,I trusted this guy with all my heart, we are doing very well, we are both proffesionals and most of all we have *children together and he is a very good Dad.

I can't tell my family because they will have no more respect for him especially my siblings of his age, I ve been dealing with this since June and I'm about to burst, I feel numb and depressed everytime and now I stay longer at work doing nothing just to make sure he is in bed before I get home but he is always waiting for me.

we have been to therapy and family councelling but you know I still feel very hurt and unsettled.

I think I have said enough for good readers (especially women)to understand how I feel.

And just so you all know, I am an average good looking proffesional woman with kids,with a very good statistics and I actually just got b.implants(9k), it's not easy going through surgery just cause you want to spice up your sex life.

Anyways my question is: Could a relationship/marriage can ever be stronger again after an Affair? What's next for me?
I am not married yet but I think u should forgive him,he felt gcuilty and told u,he wasn't caught but his conscience troubled him,he still fear God and respect u,give him more attention,improve ur look,try something new in marriage,spare time to know his real taste so u can upgrade,and pls don't put on too much. Weight o
please this is not a joke, its real, be serious, thank you.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by infolekan(m): 1:30pm On Sep 16, 2012

@OP. Somtething like this happened recently in my family. My Mom & Dad have been married for over 35 years & they've always been the ideal couple to me.
I hear lots of stuff at work about infidelity in marriage & all but never hadthe experience first hand.
My mum caught my Dad cheating with a woman who's his junior employee in his place of work and she went ballisitic. She called us all(the children) explaining how he has ruined her life & dissapointed her & all.
They had to go for marriage counselling and even had to inform the church Pastor to pray.
Head & tail is that she still feels bitter about it till today & looks for every opportunity to mention it & really....I don't care if it was right or wrong anymore & so. Do the other children.
A lot of people will advice you to tear the whole house down....inform your Uncle or parent or the president. The truth is....HE TOLD you himself(though I really doubt the wisdom in that action itself) & I'd like to assume its a restoration path for himself.
The least you can do is to forgive & as hard as it seems....you just have to learn.
I've seen what it can do first hand to a loving home but I'll advise you to now love him more.....put in an extra effort to show more care...& ABOVE all else, Try as much as possible not to dwell too much on the past.
There's usually the first stage of repentance & remorse....but then whenyou keep bringing it up...you then buildup resentment cos then he'll start rationalising that peeps do it everyday(half of the folks dropping comments on this thread have or their spouses believe me) & keep wondering why you're adopting this saintly attitude even after he told you himself....& the last thing is that he'll just not care what your opinion is anymore.
If you keep on reminding daily that I'm a thief cos you caught me stealing...it'll get to time that I'll tell you to go to hell & do ur worst.
I pray you to please work on yourself & make things back to normal knowing though that its one of the most difficult things to do justto forget it like that.
My parents are still together & are doing fine now(outwardly) but I still hold on to the memories of what I know. My dad took care of us well...I had my first car just after Sec school & my Mom was well taken care of by him...its still a dissappointment even to me but I still feel that he made a mistake he's obviously regretted & I still feel happy I never grew up in a broken home.
I'm 31 now & rather young to be giving advice on such but you have to consider the future of your children...yourself AND your husband. Nobody wants a broken home & I strongly feel that you don't too. Anyone advising you to inform your family so that they'll act as support is only misleading you.....make a personal decision to make it work and above all...FORGIVE HIM & try as possibleto forget(not easy though)

4 Likes

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 2:22pm On Sep 16, 2012

Abeg don't involve ur family joor. They will only complicate things. You can get annoyed and leave him temporarily tho. He confessing also doesn't mean anything. He cheated on u and it hurts but think of ur children and yourself. 10 yrs time this would just be tales but if u leave him, then it's for life. Don't let ur children come from a broken home. Divorce is worse than what you're facing now.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 3:39pm On Sep 16, 2012

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Ogundale(m): 4:48pm On Sep 16, 2012

Affair is more subtle.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by 2mch(m): 5:18pm On Sep 16, 2012

Adeolu60:

Thanks cc, I can't help it though , I' stuff my face with very greasy food everytime I'm trying to get over it.

I now know why I see a sudden change in some couple(I meant the wife's figure ) some men are destiny changers(EVIL!), I trusted him and he betrayed me.

I think I'm going crazy and I don't want to die now , I was referred to see a specialist for anti depressant on saturday (15th) and I just typed my leave of absence request letter ( approved ! I am the boss , its just a protocol)

I'm going away with my kids for a while to clear my head (they just started a school year anyways and it's not all about them , I have needs too!) I'm not going to Nigeria though, I just want to be alone!

I read some serious posts here and I realized I come first. I've been suffering inside alone since June and I noticed he's just looking more handsome cos he's lifted this burden on me! JESUS!

As for the finances, we are both CEOs and we take care of our stuff seperate , except our will and life insurance, kids college funds and our life savings has to be consented by me before any withdrawal of funds

and we don't have a prenup, Nigerians ( most I've met)don't do prenups, it's just against our morals and values, I'm not after anybody's money, I make mine in cold too.

Calm down on the anti depressant thing. Oyinbo are quick to prescribe drugs for everything. I think this is something you can work through. I feel the non communication between the two of you is making matters worse. I don't subscribe to endangering your life because of any human being. What has happened, has happened. We cannot change the past, but we can work on the future. Hopefully things get better. Now, am most annoyed that you want to take your kids out of school for your own vacation, because two adults cannot seem to behave more maturely than the kids. Your vacation with them will have to wait. LEAVE them in school. You can tell your mum to come and stay with them, or leave them with a relative who can make sure they stay and go to school. Quite frankly weekend getaway is your only option if you feel you want to go somewhere. Don't leave the wall open for lizards to rush in. Make the decision, are you going to stay or are you going to leave? If you are going to stay, take a weekend all expenses, expensive vacation on his money and comeback with a plan. Goodluck. And remember if you kill yourself, life will go on with or without you. The only people who will suffer are those little kids you want to set back because you are experiencing a set back. You need motivation? Look to TD jakes on YouTube for inspiration and motivation. God will help and see you through.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Nobody: 5:24pm On Sep 16, 2012

2mch:
Calm down on the anti depressant thing. Oyinbo are quick to prescribe drugs for everything. I think this is something you can work through. I feel the non communication between the two of you is making matters worse. I don't subscribe to endangering your life because of any human being. What has happened, has happened. We cannot change the past, but we can work on the future. Hopefully things get better. Now, am most annoyed that you want to take your kids out of school for your own vacation, because two adults cannot seem to behave more maturely than the kids. Your vacation with them will have to wait. LEAVE them in school. You can tell your mum to come and stay with them, or leave them with a relative who can make sure they stay and go to school. Quite frankly weekend getaway is your only option if you feel you want to go somewhere. Don't leave the wall open for lizards to rush in. Make the decision, are you going to stay or are you going to leave? If you are going to stay, take a weekend all expenses, expensive vacation on his money and comeback with a plan. Goodluck. And remember if you kill yourself, life will go on with or without you. The only people who will suffer are those little kids you want to set back because you are experiencing a set back. You need motivation? Look to TD jakes on YouTube for inspiration and motivation. God will help and see you through.

I agree, going away with kids will defeat the aim of reflection, you will be involved with them and distracted. This should be alone time for reflection.
I wish your husband can see this so he can talk with you, I know it is hard for him to face you with guilt of what he has done but he has to realise for healing to be complete you both have to face the issue. I agree with time off followed by a heart to heart talk.
When you talk to him do you ask him "what were you looking for that I didnt give you"? He cant answer that because his cheating had nothing to do with you, realise that first, as you said you have been dealing with esteem issues, take yourself out of the equation, stop looking for blame on yourself, and stop thinking you failed in some way, he made a mistake, he has owned up, those are the facts, put them in perspective when you talk to him

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by bukatyne(f): 6:10pm On Sep 16, 2012

KINGwax: why won't he find another woman since june, when his wife has refused to embrace him into her life since june? And besides, stop being a man-hater. Help the OP heal and stop fueling her doubts by creating scary but truthful situation

and after the husband confessed, d wife should give him a warm hug and say 'thanks for telling me, i know you love me so much' and life goes on! for once, people should put themselves in the shoes of others before giving advice!

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by bukatyne(f): 6:10pm On Sep 16, 2012

KINGwax: why won't he find another woman since june, when his wife has refused to embrace him into her life since june? And besides, stop being a man-hater. Help the OP heal and stop fueling her doubts by creating scary but truthful situation

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by cfours: 7:11pm On Sep 16, 2012

bukatyne: and after the husband confessed, d wife should give him a warm hug and say 'thanks for telling me, i know you love me so much' and life goes on! for once, people should put themselves in the shoes of others before giving advice!

gbam!! some people posting on this topic are just ridiculous.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by kaboninc(m): 7:59pm On Sep 16, 2012

c.fours:

gbam!! some people posting on this topic are just ridiculous.

Aside from being ridiculous, 'every Nigerian is a coach' or 'everyone has the best solution' even without reasoning!
@OP, from your story, I believe there is a vital question to be asked (which has been asked on this thread, and its 'WHY did he do what he did?') not the usual 'he has confessed because he loves you so forgive'. I believe tackling a problem from the root can prevent it from recurring. Or it can get you prepared in case it happens again. People cheat but for a reason just as WE ALL LIE for a REASON.

Re: Rebuilding A Relationship After An Affair by Gracious10: 5:52am On Sep 17, 2012

debrief08:
I agree, going away with kids will defeat the aim of reflection, you will be involved with them and distracted. This should be alone time for reflection.
I wish your husband can see this so he can talk with you, I know it is hard for him to face you with guilt of what he has done but he has to realise for healing to be complete you both have to face the issue. I agree with time off followed by a heart to heart talk.
When you talk to him do you ask him "what were you looking for that I didnt give you"? He cant answer that because his cheating had nothing to do with you, realise that first, as you said you have been dealing with esteem issues, take yourself out of the equation, stop looking for blame on yourself, and stop thinking you failed in some way, he made a mistake, he has owned up, those are the facts, put them in perspective when you talk to him

The truth is that in a betrayal like this, Things will NEVER be NORMAL again. One person will hurt silently for life! So when people keep saying, try to get things back to normal, its really a big lie. People can only pretend to let go for things they stand to loose. You mentioned that your mum is still on this issue of ur Dad cheating till date even when he took care of her. Your mama suffered in silence just for the sake of you kids. Does any of you know much much she still hurts in the secret? Most victims of cheating don't get over it. They will always have self esteem issues. Africans will say, stay cos of your kids, they can't come from a broken home! Truth is that the woman is already broken, she just sits there pretending that its all good but she dies a million deaths over and over again! Most times they are not even given time to heal. Most men go ahead buying gift just to win her trust. It's really not about the gifts, its about finding this broken heart and taking time to mend it.

At times I wonder if people really understand what cheating means? Someone practically tells you that u r not good enough,
I see someone better, you are less a person. Most people who cheat belives they would be forgiven and trust me, they are repeat offenders! Anyone who cheats does that WILLFULLY!

Someone pointed out that a man can still love his wife and still cheat. That it doesn't matter, that's how men are created and I keep asking, can a woman also love her husband and cheat? Or is it ONLY applicable to the men?

Am not advising she leaves. She really needs time alone to get over this. We all want a perfect family, some have to pretend for the rest of their lives just for their kids but emotionally, they are dead. Her husband has to genuinely reach out to her, explain his reasons for what he did, walk thru it with her cos I Belive he definitely must have a reason. Nothing just happens.

1 Like

(1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (Reply)

Let's Talk About Marriage(homosexuality,polygamy And Others) / Family Law In Nigeria: All You Need To Know / What Book On Marriage Can I Get For My Girlfriend On Her Birthday?

(Go Up)

Sections: politics (1) business autos (1) jobs (1) career education (1) romance computers phones travel sports fashion health
religion celebs tv-movies music-radio literature webmasters programming techmarket

Links: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) (10)

Nairaland - Copyright © 2005 - 2024 Oluwaseun Osewa. All rights reserved. See How To Advertise. 151
Disclaimer: Every Nairaland member is solely responsible for anything that he/she posts or uploads on Nairaland.