Gracious10:
The truth is that in a betrayal like this, Things will NEVER be NORMAL again. One person will hurt silently for life! So when people keep saying, try to get things back to normal, its really a big lie. People can only pretend to let go for things they stand to loose. You mentioned that your mum is still on this issue of ur Dad cheating till date even when he took care of her. Your mama suffered in silence just for the sake of you kids. Does any of you know much much she still hurts in the secret? Most victims of cheating don't get over it. They will always have self esteem issues. Africans will say, stay cos of your kids, they can't come from a broken home! Truth is that the woman is already broken, she just sits there pretending that its all good but she dies a million deaths over and over again! Most times they are not even given time to heal. Most men go ahead buying gift just to win her trust. It's really not about the gifts, its about finding this broken heart and taking time to mend it.

Gracious10:
At times I wonder if people really understand what cheating means? Someone practically tells you that u r not good enough,
I see someone better, you are less a person. Most people who cheat belives they would be forgiven and trust me, they are repeat offenders! Anyone who cheats does that WILLFULLY!

Someone pointed out that a man can still love his wife and still cheat. That it doesn't matter, that's how men are created and I keep asking, can a woman also love her husband and cheat? Or is it ONLY applicable to the men?

Am not advising she leaves. She really needs time alone to get over this. We all want a perfect family, some have to pretend for the rest of their lives just for their kids but emotionally, they are dead. Her husband has to genuinely reach out to her, explain his reasons for what he did, walk thru it with her cos I Belive he definitely must have a reason. Nothing just happens.

debrief08: Please Gracious, learn to quote people correctly, where did I ever state that my Dad cheated on my mum or that she should move on without sorting through her feelings? To the best of my knowledge in over 40 years my Dad hasn't cheated on my Mum. So abeg no talk wetin I no talk

Gracious10:
Someone pointed out that a man can still love his wife and still cheat. That it doesn't matter, that's how men are created and I keep asking, can a woman also love her husband and cheat? Or is it ONLY applicable to the men?

Am not advising she leaves. She really needs time alone to get over this. We all want a perfect family, some have to pretend for the rest of their lives just for their kids but emotionally, they are dead. Her husband has to genuinely reach out to her, explain his reasons for what he did, walk thru it with her cos I Belive he definitely must have a reason. Nothing just happens.

Gracious10:


The truth is that in a betrayal like this, Things will NEVER be NORMAL again. One person will hurt silently for life! So when people keep saying, try to get things back to normal, its really a big lie. People can only pretend to let go for things they stand to loose. You mentioned that your mum is still on this issue of ur Dad cheating till date even when he took care of her. Your mama suffered in silence just for the sake of you kids. Does any of you know much much she still hurts in the secret? Most victims of cheating don't get over it. They will always have self esteem issues. Africans will say, stay cos of your kids, they can't come from a broken home! Truth is that the woman is already broken, she just sits there pretending that its all good but she dies a million deaths over and over again! Most times they are not even given time to heal. Most men go ahead buying gift just to win her trust. It's really not about the gifts, its about finding this broken heart and taking time to mend it.

At times I wonder if people really understand what cheating means? Someone practically tells you that u r not good enough,
I see someone better, you are less a person. Most people who cheat belives they would be forgiven and trust me, they are repeat offenders! Anyone who cheats does that WILLFULLY!

Someone pointed out that a man can still love his wife and still cheat. That it doesn't matter, that's how men are created and I keep asking, can a woman also love her husband and cheat? Or is it ONLY applicable to the men?

Am not advising she leaves. She really needs time alone to get over this. We all want a perfect family, some have to pretend for the rest of their lives just for their kids but emotionally, they are dead. Her husband has to genuinely reach out to her, explain his reasons for what he did, walk thru it with her cos I Belive he definitely must have a reason. Nothing just happens.

debrief08: Let me borrow MrJaybrowns 3 Cs; You didn't Cause it, You don't have the power to control it and you can't change it.
It hurts a lot, but first step, realise that it wasn't your fault. You didn't fail in anyway and "push" him to cheat. Whatever problem you had could have been worked out.
Secondly recognise that you can't change or erase what happened, you have to live with it
Third step, you didn't catch him, he confessed because he knew he made a mistake and is willing to stop and focus on your marriage.its hard to forgive and I know people expect you to "just get over it" but trust betrayed is hard to get back.
My advice is first stop blaming yourself, stop seeking for answers, it happened, if you are willing to let go then start with his help to rebuild love and trust. See why I have a problem with women who do things solely for the benefit of the man, if you had gotten the implants because you felt like it and not because you wanted to please him you wouldn't feel as bad as you do now.
People make mistakes, but when they are mature enough to own up and seek for a way forward I say they deserve a chance, you also hurt God everyday but God still causes sun and rain to fall on you, don't be like the servant whose debt was forgiven yet put his own debtors in jail for less.
Where I would have had a problem was if he was an unrepentant cheat but he is not, please pray to God for Grace and a forgiving spirit, its hard but its possible, also don't suppress your emotions, if you need to lash out, go somewhere quiet and lash out, if you need to cry go and cry. What you are doing is avoiding your emotions, you are scared of reacting so you won't do something that will aggregative the issue.
But when you react, if you are like me then the issue is over and done with and you can start rebuilding your relationship.
Best wishes

coogar:

a woman cannot love her husband and cheat because women are mostly emotional beasts. a woman must have weighed the consequences of her action before carrying it out. she must have thought it through - women don't just act instinctively and are less adventurous than men.



stop double-speaking.
you are not advising she leaves but you are fuelling her to leave cos her husband has rejected her and blah blah blah. it's not in anyone's place to tell a married woman to leave her husband - unless you want to move in there after she leaves. it's not only about her - the kids have to be considered as well.

bukatyne: she has to consider the kids the same way the husband considered them by sleeping wit another woman for one year!

bukatyne: she has to consider the kids the same way the husband considered them by sleeping wit another woman for one year!

Adeolu60:
So my qn to married men here?

What is your problem and why do you go hunting when you have at home?

Kobojunkie: @Poster, please leave other men out of this and focus on your own man there oo. You have enough of a job there to handle and I say you stay on it rather than trying to figure out all men.

Adeolu60: I read a post that said we should talk about it, and like I stated before that he doesn't want to talk about it and he's uncomfortable blah blah, so I actually told him he needs to tell me how it went down for a year and he was reluctant at first but after 24hrs of ignoring him and not feeding him home cooked meal and already packing for the mini vaca without him included, he now started like

Question: (me)why did you do it,

(him) answer: I don't know but I guess you not paying attention to me is part of it, you work too much and I just felt forgotten, but I'm not saying not entirely , just part of it but I was just stupid , it was not okay and I'm sorry.

Qn: is there something she's doing for you that I'm not doing/giving you?
Ans; no
You know there is no right answer here. Getting details of the affair is only going to make it hurt more.
You have to find a way of understanding that thats how men are and you feeling hurt is only because the society has made you see his behaviour as bad,thats why you are feeling cheated. Am sure if this was only fifty years ago, this conversation wouldn't have happened. You would see nothing unnatural about his behaviour. Unfortunately thats the make of men. No matter how the society wants to change men, they cannot really change. All that will happen is men either making concious effort to behave or making concious effort to hide their misbehaviour. I'll advise all women here that their husband have remained faithfully to appreciate them a little bit more. I tell you, it is with some effort.

Qn: so where does she live and how do you guys meet and when do you get to see her cos you are way too busy with work and kids?
Ans:She lives out of town and I go over once in a while to see her.

Qn: for a year!
Ans: mute

Qn: what do you guys talk about on the phone for 70mins!
Ans: mute

So my qn to married men here?

What is your problem and why do you go hunting when you have at home?

Adeolu60: I read a post that said we should talk about it, and like I stated before that he doesn't want to talk about it and he's uncomfortable blah blah, so I actually told him he needs to tell me how it went down for a year and he was reluctant at first but after 24hrs of ignoring him and not feeding him home cooked meal and already packing for the mini vaca without him included, he now started like

Question: (me)why did you do it,

(him) answer: I don't know but I guess you not paying attention to me is part of it, you work too much and I just felt forgotten, but I'm not saying not entirely , just part of it but I was just stupid , it was not okay and I'm sorry.

Qn: is there something she's doing for you that I'm not doing/giving you?
Ans; no

Qn: so where does she live and how do you guys meet and when do you get to see her cos you are way too busy with work and kids?
Ans:She lives out of town and I go over once in a while to see her.

Qn: for a year!
Ans: mute

Qn: what do you guys talk about on the phone for 70mins!
Ans: mute

So my qn to married men here?

What is your problem and why do you go hunting when you have at home?

ekoboy:
You know there is no right answer here. Getting details of the affair is only going to make it hurt more.
You have to find a way of understanding that thats how men are and you feeling hurt is only because the society has made you see his behaviour as bad,thats why you are feeling cheated. Am sure if this was only fifty years ago, this conversation wouldn't have happened. You would see nothing unnatural about his behaviour. Unfortunately thats the make of men. No matter how the society wants to change men, they cannot really change. All that will happen is men either making concious effort to behave or making concious effort to hide their misbehaviour. I'll advise all women here that their husband have remained faithfully to appreciate them a little bit more. I tell you, it is with some effort.

Sisi_Kill:

Lawd-a-mercy!!

2mch:

LOL, transferred aggression. The only way she can come to terms with the issue, and shift blame from the spouse. Its not men, its your husband

Adeolu60: I read a post that said we should talk about it, and like I stated before that he doesn't want to talk about it and he's uncomfortable blah blah, so I actually told him he needs to tell me how it went down for a year and he was reluctant at first but after 24hrs of ignoring him and not feeding him home cooked meal and already packing for the mini vaca without him included, he now started like

Question: (me)why did you do it,

(him) answer: I don't know but I guess you not paying attention to me is part of it, you work too much and I just felt forgotten, but I'm not saying not entirely , just part of it but I was just stupid , it was not okay and I'm sorry.

Qn: is there something she's doing for you that I'm not doing/giving you?
Ans; no

Qn: so where does she live and how do you guys meet and when do you get to see her cos you are way too busy with work and kids?
Ans:She lives out of town and I go over once in a while to see her.

Qn: for a year!
Ans: mute

Qn: what do you guys talk about on the phone for 70mins!
Ans: mute

So my qn to married men here?

What is your problem and why do you go hunting when you have at home?

Adeolu60: Kobo & 2much, sorry I guess I hit some button there, I guess I should have said 'some men', if you read all my post all along I've always said 'some men' not all men.

I'm neither being aggressive or transferring any(what for?), it's my cross and I'm gonna carry it until I figure out what's next .

Ekoboy; thanks a lot, I appreciate your honesty.
Sisikill; I know it's tough

cc; thank you for everything, you know talking to him and getting something out of him gives me some kind of relieve.

Debrief; thanks a lot, I like your tough love but I'm happy to know he's just a knucklehead and it's not my fault and I didn't fail in any way. I'm still going away tho but just for a week so it won't hurt the kids academics.

I'm out.(oops I almost signed my name there)

Adeolu60: Kobo & 2much, sorry I guess I hit some button there, I guess I should have said 'some men', if you read all my post all along I've always said 'some men' not all men.

I'm neither being aggressive or transferring any(what for?), it's my cross and I'm gonna carry it until I figure out what's next .

Ekoboy; thanks a lot, I appreciate your honesty.
Sisikill; I know it's tough

cc; thank you for everything, you know talking to him and getting something out of him gives me some kind of relieve.

Debrief; thanks a lot, I like your tough love but I'm happy to know he's just a knucklehead and it's not my fault and I didn't fail in any way. I'm still going away tho but just for a week so it won't hurt the kids academics.

I'm out.(oops I almost signed my name there)

Gracious10:


The truth is that in a betrayal like this, Things will NEVER be NORMAL again. One person will hurt silently for life! So when people keep saying, try to get things back to normal, its really a big lie. People can only pretend to let go for things they stand to loose. You mentioned that your mum is still on this issue of ur Dad cheating till date even when he took care of her. Your mama suffered in silence just for the sake of you kids. Does any of you know much much she still hurts in the secret? Most victims of cheating don't get over it. They will always have self esteem issues. Africans will say, stay cos of your kids, they can't come from a broken home! Truth is that the woman is already broken, she just sits there pretending that its all good but she dies a million deaths over and over again! Most times they are not even given time to heal. Most men go ahead buying gift just to win her trust. It's really not about the gifts, its about finding this broken heart and taking time to mend it.

At times I wonder if people really understand what cheating means? Someone practically tells you that u r not good enough,
I see someone better, you are less a person. Most people who cheat belives they would be forgiven and trust me, they are repeat offenders! Anyone who cheats does that WILLFULLY!

Someone pointed out that a man can still love his wife and still cheat. That it doesn't matter, that's how men are created and I keep asking, can a woman also love her husband and cheat? Or is it ONLY applicable to the men?

Am not advising she leaves. She really needs time alone to get over this. We all want a perfect family, some have to pretend for the rest of their lives just for their kids but emotionally, they are dead. Her husband has to genuinely reach out to her, explain his reasons for what he did, walk thru it with her cos I Belive he definitely must have a reason. Nothing just happens.

Adeolu60: Kobo & 2much, sorry I guess I hit some button there, I guess I should have said 'some men', if you read all my post all along I've always said 'some men' not all men.

Adeolu60: Debrief & sisikill ; I honestly feel your love, see why I don't need to wash my dirty laundry for my family?

Thank you! Thank you!! Muah!

debrief08:
Dirty laundry ke? We all have our baggages jare. Anyway, after all has calmed down at least tell your mom or one of your sisters. They may laugh or talk but at the end of the day na ya family, if shame enter e go affect una all. When you feel comfortable though, its good that they know.

Adeolu60:

Okay, I'll do that after the storm is calm. But I hope my brother doesn't punch him on his face! Lol I'm not even kidding , my brothers are brutal!

maclatunji:

Me, I no support this going to tell your siblings thingy O. Ok, your mom if you must but since you didn't tell your siblings at the beginning, why upset them when you're supposed to be at an advanced stage of healing in the future?

Your mom would have seen enough of life to laugh about it. Those old people are full of secrets, it will amaze you what they know but hide from you.